saddness stays the same
7-20-09 It just seems like the saddness stays the same. The days past and life goes on but a part of me just is stuck. Thoughts of Boyd make me happy yet sad at the same time. I have lost my Dad and sister and many others and I was sad but this is so different. A part of me died with Boyd and I know I'll never get it back. I love him so much and I want to be with him but know God will determine that and for now my kids need me here. But our love was so very special.
Replies
You are right the pain seems to be endless. I love my husband so much and I miss him. I know that my husband had a lot of medical complications but I was willing to struggle with him. I never felt like he was a burden to me. I did it with pleasure and I would do it all over again if I had do. When he was diagnosed with kidney failure I did not hesitate to be tested and give him one. If I could have given him any of my other organ I would have done it with pleasure. He was and will always be the love of my life. His absence is felt so much that I wish I could crawl with him and just hug him. I go to his gravesite everyday and talk to him and ask him to let me know he is okey. I lay on top and ask him to listen to my heartbeat. I tell him that I love him and to guide me through this maze of what we call life. Death is an awful thing and the pain that comes along with it is even worse. It is so hard and unbearable. I don\'t know what to do with this pain. I have lost 20 lbs. This pain is just killing me and I just want it to stop. I ask God for one last chance of seeing him again. I ask him to come in my dreams and tell me he is okey. This pain hurts worse that if someone would have beaten you up and left you for dead. This pain is something larger than words. I miss my husband so much that nothing seems to be enjoyable anymore. I love him and I cannot see myself living to long without him.
I am really sorry that you have to go through this pain. I hope your sons can give you a little comfort, and that they take good care of you. How are they holding up? Hugs from Sil
i am pleased that the messages do help you, i said a special prayer for you last night, people so want to help you but we feel so useless at times like this, my neighbour is so very ill with cancer and i wish with all my heart i could do something for her family to ease their pain. One day i know you will be able to find joy in your wonderful memories of your life with boyd, im sorry it ended too soon, but im so glad you have special memories to cherish, i know its hard right now, its a stage of the grieving process thats so painful, my heart aches for you, i was thinking last night, how good it is that we can care about someone weve never met, someone thousands of miles away, i cried for you and your husband, and how cruel life can be, i pray you find peace in your heart. much love Milliexx
Someday, the sadness will be gone and you will be comforted with the fact that you were blessed enough to know what its like to love and be loved. Love, Deb