Sadderday
Dearest,
I’m such a nut, yes I know that you know. My last journal I didn’t even know what day it was. It’s bad enough that I don’t know who I am but, to not even know when I am? I continue on my voyage. I’m like freakin’ Columbus, sailing off to find a new world. Even more interesting though, I’m off to find a new me. Who will I be? Ah the possibilities! Oh, all the things I could be! I’d like to be a dreamer, and I’m not the only one, but more than that I’d like to do some things. I realize that time is short and I am getting going, to wherever the hell I’m going. I need a quest, I need to be off to see the wizard with a question, or a problem. I’m starting to get a little restless, you know me, I have issues with waiting. So, here I sit restless and questless.
I just cracked myself up! I get such a kick out of me.
I actually got quite a bit done today, no it’s still freezing, yes, it’s still snowing. I was organizing some of your papers and I came across your collection of cards. I was surprised at some of the ones you kept from me. I had forgotten some of them as well. So there I sat, surrounded by memories crying like a little girl. I should get some lessons from a little girl so I can do it correctly. Then I thought, “Self! (I always call myself Self) why are you doing this? No one is forcing you to do this. Stop it!” So I did. Then I just felt a sort of bittersweet sadness, and I was missing you something awful. Remembering those glorious times we had together. I think I’d like to do it again. Okay so maybe I am a masochist but, I’m a nice masochist. Sometimes a fun masochist. Isn’t that what life is all about? Life? Sitting here missing you isn’t living, it’s mourning and I think I’ve done that well enough and long enough. It’s been a respectful time, you’re probably surprised that it’s been so long. I think that I’m going to raise the sails and man the rudder and see where the winds blow me. (just cracked myself up again!)
Till the snow stops falling and the wind stops blowing, I’ll be, always
Your Ken
I’m such a nut, yes I know that you know. My last journal I didn’t even know what day it was. It’s bad enough that I don’t know who I am but, to not even know when I am? I continue on my voyage. I’m like freakin’ Columbus, sailing off to find a new world. Even more interesting though, I’m off to find a new me. Who will I be? Ah the possibilities! Oh, all the things I could be! I’d like to be a dreamer, and I’m not the only one, but more than that I’d like to do some things. I realize that time is short and I am getting going, to wherever the hell I’m going. I need a quest, I need to be off to see the wizard with a question, or a problem. I’m starting to get a little restless, you know me, I have issues with waiting. So, here I sit restless and questless.
I just cracked myself up! I get such a kick out of me.
I actually got quite a bit done today, no it’s still freezing, yes, it’s still snowing. I was organizing some of your papers and I came across your collection of cards. I was surprised at some of the ones you kept from me. I had forgotten some of them as well. So there I sat, surrounded by memories crying like a little girl. I should get some lessons from a little girl so I can do it correctly. Then I thought, “Self! (I always call myself Self) why are you doing this? No one is forcing you to do this. Stop it!” So I did. Then I just felt a sort of bittersweet sadness, and I was missing you something awful. Remembering those glorious times we had together. I think I’d like to do it again. Okay so maybe I am a masochist but, I’m a nice masochist. Sometimes a fun masochist. Isn’t that what life is all about? Life? Sitting here missing you isn’t living, it’s mourning and I think I’ve done that well enough and long enough. It’s been a respectful time, you’re probably surprised that it’s been so long. I think that I’m going to raise the sails and man the rudder and see where the winds blow me. (just cracked myself up again!)
Till the snow stops falling and the wind stops blowing, I’ll be, always
Your Ken
Replies
Ken, Thank you. That was definitely the laugh I needed today!
Hugs, Carla
That was wonderful :) I have been struggling with similar thoughts, should I take a chance and join the land of the living, or should I continue to miss my hubby and be alone. i like your journal enties and I look forward to them :) Thanks for writing, they make me smile :) Hoping tomorrow is a better day and sending you a hug :) Renee\'
Enjoy reading your journal :) It makes me smile.
((hugs))
Carla
Ken,
Welcome to the land of the living. Things are strange out here. Not the same OZ, you\'re used to. Hope you enjoy the ride, more than the journey.
Love your posts.
Paula
Ken,
You\'ve turned the corner and didn\'t get hit in the crosswalk! yeah you!!! I\'ve had similar thoughts lately... setting my sails to catch the wind instead of pulling them down and sitting still in the sea of my own grief.
So.. what to do? Where to go? How to feel? Another journey, another question.. but this one is the riddle that I will find an answer to.
blessings my DS friend. May we both find fair winds to travel to.
Linda
You are very funny. I love how you wrote that you are cracking yourself up.... and you get a kick out of yourself!!!
And that you need to get lessons to cry like a little girl... you had a rough day, but still are looking for humor.
Hang in there. Just wanted to let you know how I think you are doing great and giving others encouragement.
Hugs, Linda
Crying is not just for girls. I admire the fact that you are ready to take another step towards your future. We all have to do that or be miserable living in the past. Aren\'t you the one who had a friend in Aruba? Maybe a trip down there would be good for you. Diane
Ken -- I\'m rereading your post. I love how you call yourself \"self\" and how you thought you should take lessons from a little girl. I can only imagine how life must have been for you and Abby. I can imagine the two of you laughing and enjoying life. I love how you share with her and with us your feelings and perspectives.
Life is good my friend. It may not always seem like it but it is!
Hugs, Carla
Ken,
Your journal is funny and touching and you have definitely turned a corner. Know you have good sailing skills.........get on a sailboat (a friends or a rented one) and head somewhere like the Exumas. Great time of year to be there. Georgetown might be just the ticket for you. Don\'t wait, don\'t plan.... just go for it. Life is out there......just patiently waiting for you to begin to enjoy it again. You will still have sad moments......we all do......but it is much better to be sad in the sunshine and warm than the cold. Get \"Self\" out there and go for it.
Your journal entries always make me smile :)
Hugs,
Jean
As usually, another wonderful entry! You may not be on the sail boat yet but admitting that is a possibility is another step to healing. I\'m so happy to be one of your friends that you share your thoughts with. You give me hope and encouragement. Happy Valentine\'s Day... you are a treasure to all of us at DS.
think we all think about a new quest, raising the sails, going somewhere, doing something, anything is better than just sitting vegetating, but what to do, where to go is the next question.....living, getting on with it....yep, gotta figure it out....good luck...hugs, Sandi