Sadderday
Dearest,
Aye, tis been a long bit since last I writ. I’ve been spending my time doing chores, taxes, and all the other mundane daily trivia of life. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, cue ominous background music, thinking about life and death, mine mostly, yours sometimes, ours often. Remember my stories about teaching Kristin about being lost in the woods? All the basic steps, all the fundamental rules? Don’t panic, don’t run, assess your situation, survival decisions, and all that? I thought I was teaching her one thing but as it turns out I was teaching so much more. I was learning as much as she. Then her stories about the times she got lost and attacked by turkeys, chased by deer, etc. How amused old dad was by those stories, how surprised she was that dad wasn’t worried about her or afraid that she couldn’t handle herself. My confidence in her boosted her own self-confidence. Remember how puzzled I was at her anger at her friends that panicked and went running through the forest when the announcement was made that “We are lost!”
I have been watching and listening to those who like me are recently bereaved. I was getting quite upset at many of them. They almost always try to run. They run to drugs, alcohol, religion, relationships, or even actually physically run to a new place a new venue. I wanted to just throttle them and shout “Stop It!” That wouldn’t have been very constructive, I sought the counsel of wiser and calmer souls. My anger and frustration were consuming me and would soon impede my thinking. You were not much help I’m afraid. I was given much good advice, some good insights, and realized that my anger was based on my own unrealistic expectations. People are people and most don’t know about being lost. Most don’t have the skills to cope with being lost. We are lost, and afraid. We don’t know the way, we don’t have a direction to face. I can only deal with myself, I can’t be responsible for any others, I can’t lead, I can’t even advise. All I can do is walk my own path, find my own way. Getting lost is the first part of every adventure. I’m not so sure I’m ready for any more adventure. I’m too damn old, but as long as I’m still breathing I think the rule is I have to go on. The panic and flight won’t work for them, sooner or later they’ll have to face themselves. They’re not my responsibility, I can’t find my own way yet, how would I help anyone else?
For the moment, is there ever any more than that? I’ll busy myself with finding my way, remembering what was and dreaming of what could be. You are with me always. I’m beginning to understand more than before.
Till the wind stops blowing, I will be Your Ken
Aye, tis been a long bit since last I writ. I’ve been spending my time doing chores, taxes, and all the other mundane daily trivia of life. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, cue ominous background music, thinking about life and death, mine mostly, yours sometimes, ours often. Remember my stories about teaching Kristin about being lost in the woods? All the basic steps, all the fundamental rules? Don’t panic, don’t run, assess your situation, survival decisions, and all that? I thought I was teaching her one thing but as it turns out I was teaching so much more. I was learning as much as she. Then her stories about the times she got lost and attacked by turkeys, chased by deer, etc. How amused old dad was by those stories, how surprised she was that dad wasn’t worried about her or afraid that she couldn’t handle herself. My confidence in her boosted her own self-confidence. Remember how puzzled I was at her anger at her friends that panicked and went running through the forest when the announcement was made that “We are lost!”
I have been watching and listening to those who like me are recently bereaved. I was getting quite upset at many of them. They almost always try to run. They run to drugs, alcohol, religion, relationships, or even actually physically run to a new place a new venue. I wanted to just throttle them and shout “Stop It!” That wouldn’t have been very constructive, I sought the counsel of wiser and calmer souls. My anger and frustration were consuming me and would soon impede my thinking. You were not much help I’m afraid. I was given much good advice, some good insights, and realized that my anger was based on my own unrealistic expectations. People are people and most don’t know about being lost. Most don’t have the skills to cope with being lost. We are lost, and afraid. We don’t know the way, we don’t have a direction to face. I can only deal with myself, I can’t be responsible for any others, I can’t lead, I can’t even advise. All I can do is walk my own path, find my own way. Getting lost is the first part of every adventure. I’m not so sure I’m ready for any more adventure. I’m too damn old, but as long as I’m still breathing I think the rule is I have to go on. The panic and flight won’t work for them, sooner or later they’ll have to face themselves. They’re not my responsibility, I can’t find my own way yet, how would I help anyone else?
For the moment, is there ever any more than that? I’ll busy myself with finding my way, remembering what was and dreaming of what could be. You are with me always. I’m beginning to understand more than before.
Till the wind stops blowing, I will be Your Ken
Replies
Ken, You are so right about us being lost. We all do react to this loss in all the ways you\'ve said, but the one thing I\'ve learned so far, is that we all grieve differently. Like you, each one of us will eventually find our path. I still have hope for all of us finding our way. Wishing you warmer winds.......Jane
That was me. Trying to outrun grief. Frantic activity. Cleaning out the house. Throwing things in the garbage. Giving away furniture, gardening tools, Christmas decorations, keep moving, keep busy, keep running, just don\'t stop!
Then the dust settled and I asked myself why I threw away Christmas decorations? Christmas came anyway whether I wanted it to come or not. Why do I now have no gardening tools (and will shortly be needing them?). Hmmmmmm.
Doesn\'t matter. Nothing matters that much any more, since David passed away.
But I can tell you, if I hadn\'t run, moved, walked, panicked I would either freeze to the spot, go bananas, or break into tiny pieces.
Today, nine months later, I\'ve just put the house up for sale. I\'ve come a long way. All that cleaning out in the beginning was preparation for moving (yes, I know I went overboard, but there you are).
You express yourself well and I for one am learning from you. The example you set is one of quiet introspection; a painful path of feeling your way along this journey we all don\'t want to take. And I\'m glad you are still breathing, still here to reassure us through sharing your own experiences.
Hugs
Ken, you are so right. I have been spinning my wheels trying to figure out a way to deal with all of this...spending time with people I don`t even want to be with rather than be alone...walking for hours in a mall because I don`t want to be alone in the house...moving Larry`s picture almost every day because I want to see him, then I can`t bear to look at it because it make me so sad so I move it again. We are lost and afraid because we have lost part of ourself and need to figure out a way to heal that wound even though the hole will never totally heal over. Thanks for sharing your journals, they inspire me to think and reflect. I am sorry for us Ken, I am hoping the path we choose will take us to some joy in our lives some day, Hugs Lu Ann
Ken, Your so right about being lost. The one thing my husband always said \"was when you get lost first stand still and try to find your direction\"
At 11 months I am still trying to do just that. Don\'t like this journey we all have to be on but the train is here and we have been pushed aboard. Take care listen to your own heart and do what you have to that helps you best.
Blessings,
Cie
Dear Ken....being lost and/or running is human nature but....I\'ve held fast and am trying to maintain....trying to care about what is going on in my life, live my life and keep doing what I have to do to keep maintaining....trying to stay focused on what is going on in my world, deciding what to do with what and just what it is I\'m going to do. Yep, we all grieve differently, we all take our time, no matter how long it takes....life goes on, and we all must try to keep going on....take it easy, hugs, Sandi