Sad today
Yesterday I cried all the way home from work. I really am not sure what the trigger was. It could've been that since the weather has turned cold and it is dark when I leave work that it brings back the feelings from last year since Eddie passed in September of last year and many rides home last year at this time were spent crying and screaming. Or maybe there was no trigger other than missing him.
I had a dream about Ed last night. I dreamed that I said to him in the dream, "Was it hard for you to leave me?" He didn't respond - just looked sad. Then the rest of my dream I asked if I could touch him. Again he didn't respond and I couldn't really touch him. There wasn't a barrier I could see, but there was a barrier. I did feel like I had touched him with my hands at some point in the dream, very lightly with my fingertips, like I couldn't really reach him, but did. Again the barrier! I hate the barrier, but it is what it is. Maybe the barrier is just that he's in Heaven now and I'm not. That's a good thing, right? Let's go with that!
Thanks for listening. I feel better now. I had to share this with people who understand. Ken this morning, when I woke up crying said, "Wow, I'm sorry. Its never gonna end for you, is it?" He wasn't being mean, just an observation. He loved Eddie, but didn't raise him. Eddie was 19 when we met. I said, "No, my heart is broken. In Heaven when we are reunited it will heal."
Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for my promise that I'll see Eddie again. Thank you for letting me be his mom for the years I had him. In Jesus's name, Amen.
Hi Ed, I miss you and love you every second of every day. I'm trying to honor God and honor your life with the rest of my life. I miss your sweet spirit although some days I can feel it. I will continue to look after your kids and Elaine. We all love you and miss you so! Mom xxoo
I had a dream about Ed last night. I dreamed that I said to him in the dream, "Was it hard for you to leave me?" He didn't respond - just looked sad. Then the rest of my dream I asked if I could touch him. Again he didn't respond and I couldn't really touch him. There wasn't a barrier I could see, but there was a barrier. I did feel like I had touched him with my hands at some point in the dream, very lightly with my fingertips, like I couldn't really reach him, but did. Again the barrier! I hate the barrier, but it is what it is. Maybe the barrier is just that he's in Heaven now and I'm not. That's a good thing, right? Let's go with that!
Thanks for listening. I feel better now. I had to share this with people who understand. Ken this morning, when I woke up crying said, "Wow, I'm sorry. Its never gonna end for you, is it?" He wasn't being mean, just an observation. He loved Eddie, but didn't raise him. Eddie was 19 when we met. I said, "No, my heart is broken. In Heaven when we are reunited it will heal."
Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for my promise that I'll see Eddie again. Thank you for letting me be his mom for the years I had him. In Jesus's name, Amen.
Hi Ed, I miss you and love you every second of every day. I'm trying to honor God and honor your life with the rest of my life. I miss your sweet spirit although some days I can feel it. I will continue to look after your kids and Elaine. We all love you and miss you so! Mom xxoo
Replies
I\'m sorry your so sad today:( I remember crying (and still do) on the way home from work. That\'s usually when Nathan called me. Right around 5:30 at least every other day. No, it will never be over. But like you said, once you get to see Eddie again, it will be made right. You will heal. Thinking about your great sadness today, with all my heart I wish for you a better day. Love and hugs, Danette
I understand dear Linda... we are all bound to have these sad and challenging days mixed into the rest. I\'ll be sending you lots of tender loving care for your precious mother\'s heart. You are Ed\'s mother and always will be. I can only imagine all the loving support that you offer to everyone and want you to give that to yourself too... Promise?! Sending you some light on these dark winter days. I know... I feel it too my friend. Much love, Joanie
Hi Linda: We are always here to listen. It absolutely won\'t be over. How can it be. They are our children. Yes we can celebrate their lives and be thankful for the short while we had them but we can\'t hug them and hear their voices.
Tight hugs and a lot of understanding.
Marlene - Lisa\'s Mum
Linda, I do believe the barrier is death....remember that God says it will be the last enemy that will be vanquished.....and yes, what a glorious reunion we will have!! Ken\'s observation is correct.....\"it will never end for you (us) \" until that day, my sweet friend. ...love to you and Eddie.....dale, brandon\'s mom
Dear, sweet Linda ~
I\'m glad that writing has brought some sense of relief to your broken heart today. You give so much to each one of us on FMO and each day I give thanks for your tender insight and care.
I don\'t dream of Corrie often but when I do I also have that sense of distance ~ that she is there but unreachable and untouchable. I think that sometimes Corrie and Eddie are sad to be away from us but am also sure that they are continuing to grow and to evolve and to find a stronger source of peace and joy ~ they are reaching out to show us the way. One of my first thoughts after hearing that Corrie had been killed was a truly bizarre one ~ I thought \"Corrie ~ how brave you are to go before us to show us the way.\" And I truly believe it. Not sure why she thought she needed to go first and certainly why she went so soon, but it must have felt right to her.
What a blessing to have Ken as an understanding, supportive life partner.
Sending much love, tight hugs and thoughts of peace and healing to you ~ Debbie
Dear Linda E, yes, those rogue waves of grief keep hitting us when we least expect them. It will always be, as our hearts will always be missing our sons, but I hope they will hit less frequently. Since my Jon also died in september last year, the coming of winter is giving me similar moments of recollection to last year this time, when the grief was so fresh I could barely stand it. I\'m so glad for you that Eddie comes to you in dreams. It\'s a sad comfort. And I\'m so glad you have Ken in your life. His words aren\'t always exactly right, he didn\'t have the same connection with Eddie that you did/do, and grief is a very private emotion in any case. But he clearly loves you and suffers for your suffering. That\'s a whole lot in this world. With love and much understanding, Linda J
Sometimes you just have to feel what you feel. Triggers are often invisible...even when we try to analyze the possiblilities...I guess it doesn\'t matter...cause you end up emotional. So this may be when we could say...that we must go with the flow of grief. It definitely comes and goes. Dreaming of Eddie is special...but those dreams are another thing that sometimes we feel we have to figure out. I guess just having the dream is a blessing. Take care of your sweet self...love and hugs...Karen
We all cry on the way home, at first everyday, now maybe 3 days out of the week, or maybe still everyday, I find if I can have my private crying time I\'m better for a while. I say don\'t try to figure out the dream, Eddie came to visit his mama to remind her HE LOVES HER and is with her ALWAYS. Hoping tomorrow is a little better. Love and hugs, Lynette ~ Matthews mom
Linda, sending a big hug. As our sisters above said. Tears show up at any time. When you least expect it. Glad Eddie came to visit. ~Sharlene
Your dream,,,, so sweet, he came to visit you.even with no words, visitng and memories are all we have, cherish them, Nora
The loss is a sadness we will never be without. But with this great sadness comes the great opportunity to inspire and be inspired by all the incredible moms here. Sad to sad, hurting to hurting, struggling to struggling, inspiring to inspiring, growth to growth...we\'re doing this together.