sad start for 2009

 I have not been here for long time, not wrote any thing or talk to anyone. i just get it all of my chest today. do know where to begin llllooking back at my life, i feel so terrible, frustrated, a complete looser. my friend even younger then me have got things in theor life and all i have is nothing. who and how i spent my life in past and for who???/the big question..??i feel like such a looser, feel like crying. i have friends but not soul friends,,i feel empty inside, with no soul, no moral in life, things and facts kill me inside. muttering voice inside me keep me down, always and every day i think its a new a day and new beginning but back to same shiiiit whole...so lonely, so empty. i have lived my life for my mom and sisters, when and how i will stand and be different, try to change myself, i had enough with all this. i want a bu=ig huge change, change of every thing. i need real friend, real ppl, too tired to carry on like this. my biggest problem i wlays and keep looking back and get sad and sad...i need and must look forward and move on and keep changing myself. i dont want to give up but things keep me down, i need to live my own life and get out of this gutter now,my mind is going blank nothing is coming inside, as full of anger at myself and i dont want this. some one once said that you must be happy with yourself to be happy with others, i need to repeat this alll over over and over so much pain in my brain, want to change,,no drinks, no drinks so much pain tired after job with day by day thinking the same thing every day,,,oh gosh so tired now