Sad News

Got a call yesterday at 6am from my mom.  I knew it was the dog.  Don't know how I knew but I knew.  We just get on a wave length.  I rushed out the door and ran up there.  It was bad.  My heart just broke for my mom.  He was still alive, but not good.  He was almost 15.  I went with my mom to take him to the vet's to put him to sleep.  OMG!  It was SO hard.  I was with my mom when she picked him out and got him almost 15 years ago.  My mom lives alone, so all she had was that dog.  And I CANNOT bear my mom crying, and she just broke down and it was awful!  It literally ripped me up.  I just watched my mom crumble.  Poor little guy.  I had to carry him there. We waited in the car until they had a room for us.  We could not bear sitting in the waiting room with him and again, he was looking really bad.  It was like a stroke but the vet called it something else and neither my mom or I can remember what the vet called it.  But his head was twisted sideways and he couldn't turn it.  And by the time we got to the vets, his eyes were twitching and you could look at him and it was like he wasn't there.  I carried him in and laid him on the table.  We waited an excrutiating 1/2 hr for the vet (she was very busy.)  And it got worse.  We were almost afraid he wasn't going to make it until the vet got there.  We decided not to stay with him.  He wasn't really there anyway, so I don't feel guilty about it and my mom was just a wreck.  I stayed with her for most of the day.  Left her with some soup.  At that point I think she needed some time alone anyway.  I was just plain upset, beat, wiped out yesterday when I got home.  Paul was understanding.  We were driving later that afternoon in my car (I have the bluetooth where the phone calls come over the speakers.)  Paul called and my mom said "Thanks for letting me borrow Yvette for the day."  Paul says "Thanks for letting me borrow her for the last 20 years."  We laughed.   It has been raining cats and dogs and freezing.  So between yesterday and the weather I am sapped.  I go to take David to Church this AM and then we were going to stop at Target on the way home to pick up some new sheets for his bed.  He has twin bunk bed set.  He is very sensitive to touch so I get him the jersey sheets, cotton.  The last ones ripped bad.  So he has been sleeping on the mattress pad.  Refuses to use the Spiderman sheet set.  I can't say I blame him.  Cheapy sheets are scratchy.  So now we go and get 2 black jersey sheet sets, two new microfiber blue comforters, 2 black throw pillows.  Trying to redo his room.  He is going to be 13 in early December and the Spiderman stuff is juvenile.  Also for me hoping that he will take better care, clean his room, etc.  I also bought him a couple pairs of school pants, a couple of school shirts (nice ones for $7.99 each) and a pair of nice $20 sneakers.  I bought myself some makeup I needed and some groceries.  I spent $348 altogether but it isn't like we don't have the stupid money!!!  I work and it is my money too!  David was all excited in his room making over his beds and Paul went off the deep end.  Now Paul says he wanted to change out david's room and get him a full size mattress and boxspring.  So he yells and yells.  My fault.  He shouldn't be yelling at David.  David storms out.  I feel awful.  yes we talked about this but it could be years before we get around to replacing the bunk beds!  The full/queen headboard that matches David's set is in the basement but a boxspring and mattress is going to cost $600 to $800!  Again, we have the money.  That isn't the point.  So Paul says he is taking it all back.  My son is shut down and now I am too. I have been wallowing in chocolate donuts and I am too tired to even care enough to berate myself for doing it.   Counseling was OK but not great.  She was very supportive at the way I dealt with the situation but then says to ME:  "OK what could you have done to make things better or to avoid the situation in the first place?"  HELLO?!  Again, the topic turns to we suck as parents.  I know that is not what she meant.  But that is what I hear.  We are too negative.  We need to be more positive.  We need to react differently.  You know what?  When I was a kid, I was not disrespectful to adults and when I was told to do something I did it!  End of discussion.  My mom didn't have these problems! I am so frustrated and so defeated and again think "What is the point?"  Friday, David went to bowling with me and we had a nice time.  I am hoping that things get better.  Things always seem to blow up in October.  As tired as I was, we sat and finished up his homework last night and everything was fine until today.  I feel bad.  I KNOW my husband is this way.  Doesn't make it right.  But now my son is defeated and suffering and I feel bad, like I just made things worse.