Sad and lonely
I feel sad and lonely this morning. I have been writing back and forth to family members. Because I am a stepmother (to 2 great people in their thirties) I sometimes feel I have to walk on eggshells. I worry that what I say will be taken wrong or perhaps just not taken at all. Plus I have the usual widow problems of knowing where how and where I fit in. It is so hard. I also feel sad because of other in-law family problems and I know all I can do is all I can do. I guess I have to pray more and trust God's hand more. I am too much a "do-it-yourselfer."
I had a great time at the Ohio Gathering last weekend. It was lovely weather to be at TJ's beautiful home. I really enjoyed all the people I met.
I guess J was the person I counted on to shore me up emotionally. He usuallly had my back and he would remind that things weren't so important after all, or that people have a right to do and say what they want and all I can do is go on with my life. he also prayed with me most evenings. I feels so guilty at times that I didn't know he had a bad heart and was dying. He died so suddenly a week after a good EKG. At some illogical level I feel I should have been able to know this and to stop it. I guess I want to be God. I am so sad.
I really identified with a thread recently in which a member talked about a double life. I am positive and outgoing at work and in the community, but often feel deeply sad at home or even just in the car. Year and years of teaching have taught me well how to act a part even when I don't feel like it. I do feel pressure from friends to be "over it." I don't think I ever will be.
I'm going to go pray. I set a goal to exercise 5 times per week so perhaps that will help too.
I'm grateful for:
my journal
DS buddies
dogs and cats
my 2 day a week jobette
families (step, bio, in-law)
friends
ability to be honest with myself -I'm not as big and brave as I pretend!
coffee
the God of my understanding/ forgiveness and mercy
my darling in heaven
I had a great time at the Ohio Gathering last weekend. It was lovely weather to be at TJ's beautiful home. I really enjoyed all the people I met.
I guess J was the person I counted on to shore me up emotionally. He usuallly had my back and he would remind that things weren't so important after all, or that people have a right to do and say what they want and all I can do is go on with my life. he also prayed with me most evenings. I feels so guilty at times that I didn't know he had a bad heart and was dying. He died so suddenly a week after a good EKG. At some illogical level I feel I should have been able to know this and to stop it. I guess I want to be God. I am so sad.
I really identified with a thread recently in which a member talked about a double life. I am positive and outgoing at work and in the community, but often feel deeply sad at home or even just in the car. Year and years of teaching have taught me well how to act a part even when I don't feel like it. I do feel pressure from friends to be "over it." I don't think I ever will be.
I'm going to go pray. I set a goal to exercise 5 times per week so perhaps that will help too.
I'm grateful for:
my journal
DS buddies
dogs and cats
my 2 day a week jobette
families (step, bio, in-law)
friends
ability to be honest with myself -I'm not as big and brave as I pretend!
coffee
the God of my understanding/ forgiveness and mercy
my darling in heaven
Replies
I really relate to your feelings in this journal. I also feel guilty that I didn\'t know my husband was about to die. I feel like I should have taken his stress and complaints of tiredness more seriously and forced him to see the DR. But, somehow, we must let go of that guilt.
Living a double life also sounds very familiar to me. I project this smiling person to people on the outside, but inside I am sad and lonely. I don\'t know if that will ever change.
We can just keep on moving forward, and hoping that things will get better. I also feel pressure from those around me to be \"over it.\" I do not think I will ever be \"over\" the death of my husband. But, I hope to be better. I hope you feel better too.
Lots of hugs today, Dawn
I also can relate to the double life...most of my friends and family are over the loss of Larry and expect me to be as well. I am sure our loss will be with us forever but hopefully much easier than we are experiencing today. I know what you mean about walking on eggshells. I miss being able to talk to my husband....my sounding board, my rock. We still do have many things to be thankful for so we need to focus on those things to get through this. Know I am thinking of you and sending you hugs, Lu Ann
Thanks my dear friends. Your words mean so much.
Jenny
Do not orry hat others think. You ill never get over it, you ill learn to live with it.
some people that have not been through losing your spouse(which is half of you) just do not understand. God will help you through the grieving as no one else can. You are a very special lady and have a lot to offer this world.
You are still early in this process and trust me when I say one day you will be able to smile while thinking of all the wonderful memories of your life with your husband. God is so good to have left us with these memories to help us go on.
Phil 4:13
Chris