Sad and lonely
I feel sad and lonely this morning. I have been writing back and forth to family members. Because I am a stepmother (to 2 great people in their thirties) I sometimes feel I have to walk on eggshells. I worry that what I say will be taken wrong or perhaps just not taken at all. Plus I have the usual widow problems of knowing where how and where I fit in. It is so hard. I also feel sad because of other in-law family problems and I know all I can do is all I can do. I guess I have to pray more and trust God's hand more. I am too much a "do-it-yourselfer."
I had a great time at the Ohio Gathering last weekend. It was lovely weather to be at TJ's beautiful home. I really enjoyed all the people I met.
I guess J was the person I counted on to shore me up emotionally. He usuallly had my back and he would remind that things weren't so important after all, or that people have a right to do and say what they want and all I can do is go on with my life. he also prayed with me most evenings. I feels so guilty at times that I didn't know he had a bad heart and was dying. He died so suddenly a week after a good EKG. At some illogical level I feel I should have been able to know this and to stop it. I guess I want to be God. I am so sad.
I really identified with a thread recently in which a member talked about a double life. I am positive and outgoing at work and in the community, but often feel deeply sad at home or even just in the car. Year and years of teaching have taught me well how to act a part even when I don't feel like it. I do feel pressure from friends to be "over it." I don't think I ever will be.
I'm going to go pray. I set a goal to exercise 5 times per week so perhaps that will help too.
I'm grateful for:
my journal
DS buddies
dogs and cats
my 2 day a week jobette
families (step, bio, in-law)
friends
ability to be honest with myself -I'm not as big and brave as I pretend!
coffee
the God of my understanding/ forgiveness and mercy
my darling in heaven
I had a great time at the Ohio Gathering last weekend. It was lovely weather to be at TJ's beautiful home. I really enjoyed all the people I met.
I guess J was the person I counted on to shore me up emotionally. He usuallly had my back and he would remind that things weren't so important after all, or that people have a right to do and say what they want and all I can do is go on with my life. he also prayed with me most evenings. I feels so guilty at times that I didn't know he had a bad heart and was dying. He died so suddenly a week after a good EKG. At some illogical level I feel I should have been able to know this and to stop it. I guess I want to be God. I am so sad.
I really identified with a thread recently in which a member talked about a double life. I am positive and outgoing at work and in the community, but often feel deeply sad at home or even just in the car. Year and years of teaching have taught me well how to act a part even when I don't feel like it. I do feel pressure from friends to be "over it." I don't think I ever will be.
I'm going to go pray. I set a goal to exercise 5 times per week so perhaps that will help too.
I'm grateful for:
my journal
DS buddies
dogs and cats
my 2 day a week jobette
families (step, bio, in-law)
friends
ability to be honest with myself -I'm not as big and brave as I pretend!
coffee
the God of my understanding/ forgiveness and mercy
my darling in heaven
Replies