sad again

Today was another bad day.  Wasn't even sure I would make it through work.  I had a Xanax in my purse so I had to take one.  I never take those unless I absolutely feel bad & usually only in the evening.  But once again I feel like I am going backwards.  Hard to get out of bed, hard to go anywhere without crying, don't want to eat & just plain feel bad all over.  Today it has rained non stop.  It is pouting outside now & probably will be the rest of the night.  I used to love listening to the rain.  Tom & I would cuddle.  But here it is 1:30 in the morning & I am writing in a darn journal about how miserable I feel and how miserable my life is.  I don't like being alone.  Its not only lonely, its also scary.  I hate making decisions and I always worry that I will make the wrong decision.  I also try to think like Tom would have done.  I know I need to stop doing that.  I never thought like my husband, he was always the practical one.  I try to be practical but I also need to not think like what would Tom want.  I looked at a house the other day & I loved the yard.  It was gorgeous.  Tom wanted land.  We had planned on buying 4 acres.   This place had about 1 acre of a very green, yard with trees and flowers & ferns.  It was just so pretty, but then my realtor reminded me of the upkeep & all that yard work.  Again, I was thinking  how much my husband would have loved the yard.  I can't buy a new house thinking this way. Although I do need to be practical.  I had my heard set on a new house.  Then I got the total price & I just got all depressed again.  I have been dealing with moving for months now.  I am sure I am driving my realtor and the contractor, crazy.  Its like yes, then no, then yes again.  I just can't decide.  it took all I had to not break down in tears yesterday while I was meeting with the contractor.  Not that he hasn't seen  me cry before in  his office.  But it was just that I had finally decided to build.  The funny thing was that on the day I met with the contractor & everything was going just right, it was the 6th month since my husband died.  I sort of took that as a sign that it was my husband telling me to yes, go ahead & build your new house that you always wanted.  That yes it will be ok.  It was just strange & hard to explain I left the contractor with such a feeling of relief.  It was like I can breathe again.  Things were falling into place. Well then I find out the price didn't include the price of the land. Honestly.  Don't you think this would have been written in the contract?  So now the practical side of me is saying it would be ridiculous to spend that much money on a house for one person (possibly 2 if my daughter gets a job around here once she graduates from college next year). But either way it is a lot of money & then my nest egg will be gone.  I don't need more things to stress me out.  Its hard enough worrying about paying the bills each month.  I found a part time job.  the pay is awful but it is close to my home, 3 days a week, Monday thru Friday.  Exactly what I wanted.  Well now I am only being told I am needed 1 or 2 days a week.  So only working a few hours with a low pay, doesn't bring much money home.  Sometimes I wonder if its even worth it.  But I just don't feel that I have the energy left in me to search for another job.  I just can't do it.  I feel exhausted, weak, and I guess you could say, hopeless.  I find it hard to believe that life will get better.  I am alone and I need to except that.  I never thought this would be my life at age 53.  Life sucks.  I always said I was like Eyore with a rain cloud over his head.  People would laugh when I would say that if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all.  But I really feel like that's the truth.  I don't want it to seem like I am say oh poor me, but I have had my share of bad things.  I know that no matter how bad things may be, there are others out there who have things worse.  But I do feel like things just aren't meant to go my way.  I thought I was a good person, I try to be nice to people & always root for the underdog.  But where did it get me?  I am so angry with God for taking my husband, that I can't even go to church.  Maybe someday, but right now I am still angry.  I don't know if this is normal or not.  I used to think it was a shame when others got this way. Blaming God for bad things & then stopped attending church.  Well now I am in the situation & I can totally understand why people would do this. 
Oh well it is getting late.  I should try to get some sleep.  Hopefully my tears are used up for today.  Its no wonder my eyes are all red & puffy with dark circles underneath.  I feel like since   Tom has died, I have aged so much so fast.  I miss my husband so much.  Life is just way too hard without him.