Sad Day

Today is 3 month's,I don't see how I've made it this far and to imagine another 40 yrs plus or minus is just crazy.I try to throw myself and the kid's into doing thing's,going to Christmas store's or walmart is fun for a little while but doesn't last.Constantly having to worry about money suck's.Pat was a trucker so, he made good money,but he had gotten hurt in 2010 and had 2 surgeries on his right hand,he had to go to theapry for it and was finally ok to drive again around nov-dec 2010.In Feb,we knew we were going to have to move out of our home(or so we thought)Our daughter's birthday is Feb 8 and that day Pat had his 1st heart scare,we got him to dr,then hospital,then air lifted to Knoxville where he had a stent,3 days later we moved to MS,everything was downhill from there,he was moody and mean and kept insisting I get a job,something he had never really done,he had changed so much but we still loved each other and I did keep asking him why he was acting that way and he said I was going to need a job and he kept trying to teach our son (whose autistic)how to use the weed eater,and lawn mower's and all kind's of things,how to check the oil in the car.This was like in may,june,july.He and our son left on the 30th of july to go get the rest of our stuff in MS(we found we could keep home by filing ch 13)I had talked to him 2-3 times and he .was fine,then I talked to him and he was hurting and couldn't breath,that was the last time I ever talked to him. I think he knew he was going to die.I just wish I could have done something,he made me stay here in tn to keep job hunting,I wish I had gone with them. I don't know if it would have made a difference,maybe I could have done something,I will always wonder,He told my brother in law about a month before he died that he wanted to die and be buried in MS and he got his wish.I wish he had talked to me and told me this was the way he was feeling,I knew something was not right but I had heard that some people get depressed a little after a stent is put in so I figured that's what it was.I wish we had made plan's that if something happened to one of us what was to be done and I wish we had enough sense to get life insurance,I have it now,but he didn't and so now me and kid's have to suffer from him not being here and worry about paying the bills and try to have money left to get out and do something.I'm just so upset that he's gone and I still can't believe it.I miss him and love him