Sabotage

As I step back, I realize that I may have figured out many things like how to be healthier, how to reach out and touch more people positively, and that I now have a desire to find and work on a healthy relationship.   

Because of being brought up in dysfunction (and the fear of never knowing what could happen next) it is very common for me to simply become overwhelmed and go for comfort/ usually food.  Then I calm down and try to regroup. I am learning to stop and breathe and come back to it. Usually by then it seems less unbearable and more manageable.  

I have seen others here (actually many of us since noone truly enjoys being alone all the time) who speak of finding true love or even simply friendship. Over the years i have done everything from classifieds to chatting  as well as a few online dating services. With my desire to turn over a new leaf and new life I now want to believe and trust others. Sadly, I would become far too gullible.  I am happy to report that I am learning as I go . I came across many scammers, users, liars but seldom honest men.  I did find a few of those but would either be disinterested in me ( or what they thought I was, never actually finding out just what I had to offer)  or simply  went on the sites because someone urged them to and they simply wanted to call someone every other week.   Newsflash guys. . . if it is a chore to call and find something superficial to talk about like weather or sports then DO NOT BOTHER.   

For me I looked more toward someone who would open up and we would learn all about who we are and what we liked and disliked.I actually found that with one or two and that did give me hope that there are still some who are able to open up and want more.  So many (scammers especially swoop right in and are talking relationships and about a future after barely knowing you)  Or on the dating apps those who acted quick were just looking for fwbs. I am not sure if my fear of repeat experiences or the belief that maybe I don't deserve this or possible anger at the thought of God allowing me to have such a strong desire for something but holding it back from me once again is a possible reason for my obstacles I put in my way. 

I think what I do understand now is that I have been angry with God several times in the past. He would take my mom when I was just 15 and leave me in a dysfunctional home with dad and kid brother.   I would actually find someone  (even though I had my concerns was convinced by our families that this was a good thing) and would begin to actually hope and dream of being blesed with a child. In my family it was what all the women were . They would become wives, moms and take care of their homes and family but lost all sense of themselves. But they were blessed to feel life grow inside them. (such a miracle) How could he put such a strong desire and longing in my heart and then deny me. To me this meant I was not worth it.   

 In the end I have come to realize that God did have his plan for me. It also makes sense now for so many things that have happened to me have made me who ( and what) I am today. And so I am now trying very hard to simply have faith that I may trust to go where He leads me . 

I think sometimes I am that stubborn pup who simply yanks and tugs to go against where I am to be led  (since I just know my way is the right way. LOL)