S S D D

I have often described how horribly empty it was to try to "shut down" and go day to day simply going through the motions. I would never intentionally harm myself, but at this point, I really did not care if I did wake up the next day.  Then I began to reach out and share and chat with others. I am clearly no rocket scientist, unworthy to be blessed with any children but I do believe I was blessed with the ability to reach out and touch people  (as I am grateful some have done for me) 

My life was also touched by support, encouragement and hope as I did finally decide that I do not want to spend the rest of my life stagnating and continuing to try to go through the motions. The thing is, as I begin to make these plans, I am finding myself again headed toward that funk and sadness where I again do not care so much about tomorrow.   I am thinking maybe it is the fear. And I am annoyed as I am again allowing it to rob me of so much of what I have wanted for so very long. 

I understand what needs to be done and the steps I need to make it through to the end of this.  He and I have been getting along ok and these past few days he has actually made comments that give me the opportunity to get the words out.  "I am going through with the divorce". But I still cannot get them out.  Being unsure of his reaction, already feeling this dark cloud over what should be my favorite season  (always loved Christmas) and currently again feeling like I am not (or will never be)  enough. Feeling silly for wanting this-- an actual happy fulfilled life.