S...l...o...w...l...y... moving forward
SIGH... last week, I decided that focusing on my health would be the fastest and easiest way to get myself living again. I had it all planned out, bought Jillian Michael's DVD to workout to, got started... and then I went to go to the police department to get the dogs licensed for the year and my foot got caught in a hole that was hidden by snow and I FELL. The DVD workouts actually saved me from serious injury in that as I was going down, I twisted into one of the moves where you go from a squat to push ups, so other than a bruised and scraped knee, achy back from the twisting, and sore wrists and arms from the impact, I'm good and I seem to ALWAYS hurt myself when I first begin a workout program, so this wasn't a surprise. And because I ache EVERYWHERE from my fall, I didn't work out at all the past 3 mornings. SIGH...
And THEN I had one of those days where you find yourself wanting to eat everything sweet within a 10 mile radius. Not hungry, just craving... Sugary food was all I could think about... and then I went to bed and dreamt that 5 years from now, I not only kept the weight on, but GAINED. Oh, the HORROR! Seriously, though, I dreamt that I was visiting my family, saw myself in a window, and instead of the dream being all about my family, my focus zeroed in on how I felt about MYSELF. And it wasn't good. I don't think I could BEAR entering another bike race in the condition I'm currently in... or the feelings of failure that would come with it... And so, all day yesterday I kept thinking about where I am... where I'm unhappy with myself. MAN, I've got a LONG way to go. It's that illusion that you're happy and comfortable and then the truth of where you really are are pops up and hits you. That reality HAS to go and in it's place I need to build a new reality... a fit and healthy reality. Because this one forces me to look at my own mortality and it scares me. Crazy fears that I might die the way he did because I'm not taking care of myself...
And so that dream kicked me in the butt to get started.... Yesterday, I stopped procrastinating and stocked up on and started eating salads, fruit, and starting COOKING again (I've been bad with the fast foods since David's death). Yesterday's dinner was very filling and still under 300 calories and not only felt great, but I was also allowed to have a cookie and kill those cravings... I still have that fear that it's not going to work... a fear that I'll fail... a fear that I'm not good enough? Not worthy enough? But I'm using that fear to keep trying, to motivate myself to work harder - which of course, is why I figure I got injured - my usual training kickoff injury (happens every year, lol) that forces me to face how much I'm going to prioritize myself. Because in reality, it's not about my weight, it's about SELF WORTH - my biggest challenge.... I'd given up my self worth years ago during the worst of my marriage...
We got 4 inches of snow last night on top of the 2 inches that fell the day before, so I think I'm going to go skiing this morning - or at least walk the dogs in it - especially now that I'm pretty much over my cold. (orange juice worked!) LATER!
And THEN I had one of those days where you find yourself wanting to eat everything sweet within a 10 mile radius. Not hungry, just craving... Sugary food was all I could think about... and then I went to bed and dreamt that 5 years from now, I not only kept the weight on, but GAINED. Oh, the HORROR! Seriously, though, I dreamt that I was visiting my family, saw myself in a window, and instead of the dream being all about my family, my focus zeroed in on how I felt about MYSELF. And it wasn't good. I don't think I could BEAR entering another bike race in the condition I'm currently in... or the feelings of failure that would come with it... And so, all day yesterday I kept thinking about where I am... where I'm unhappy with myself. MAN, I've got a LONG way to go. It's that illusion that you're happy and comfortable and then the truth of where you really are are pops up and hits you. That reality HAS to go and in it's place I need to build a new reality... a fit and healthy reality. Because this one forces me to look at my own mortality and it scares me. Crazy fears that I might die the way he did because I'm not taking care of myself...
And so that dream kicked me in the butt to get started.... Yesterday, I stopped procrastinating and stocked up on and started eating salads, fruit, and starting COOKING again (I've been bad with the fast foods since David's death). Yesterday's dinner was very filling and still under 300 calories and not only felt great, but I was also allowed to have a cookie and kill those cravings... I still have that fear that it's not going to work... a fear that I'll fail... a fear that I'm not good enough? Not worthy enough? But I'm using that fear to keep trying, to motivate myself to work harder - which of course, is why I figure I got injured - my usual training kickoff injury (happens every year, lol) that forces me to face how much I'm going to prioritize myself. Because in reality, it's not about my weight, it's about SELF WORTH - my biggest challenge.... I'd given up my self worth years ago during the worst of my marriage...
We got 4 inches of snow last night on top of the 2 inches that fell the day before, so I think I'm going to go skiing this morning - or at least walk the dogs in it - especially now that I'm pretty much over my cold. (orange juice worked!) LATER!
Replies
Hey there. I know what you mean. I had a terrible December and gained weight (after losing 25 over the summer). I am not doing near as well as I should be with this! The snow and bad weather is not helping!
I was gone from DS in the fall because of a grueling schedule. You said \"Crazy fears that I might die the way he did . . .\" Did your ex pass away? Mine was in the hospital in August and I did not think he would make it. I was just wondering.
Yeah, he died the day before his 49th birthday from his alcoholism. Our son had finally convinced him to go into rehab, and that weekend he went on his \"last bender\", which triggered liver failure, he collapsed, nobody found him for 2 days, and then the worst death you can imagine began over the following 2 weeks. (details are in my posts from Thanksgiving on)
My fear... see I\'ve got my own food addiction just hovering at the edge. As I got started on my training again, I noticed how I feel when I cave in and eat sugary things (especially cookies). A long time ago when my addiction was at its worst, my doctor told me that if I kept it up, I was going to become diabetic.... and then 2 weeks ago my 20 year old niece (my X\'s brother\'s daughter) died from onset diabetes, almost in the same way my X did (extraordinarily painful liver failure and then a heart attack). Yeah, that scares the crap out of me.
And the night before I wrote this, I thought 1 more cookie (ok, 4 with about 1200 calories and it brought on a headache and a huge sugar spike), and as they were cooking, I thought about how this was EXACTLY what my X did..... when is that 1 more cookie going to be that last one? Yeah, how about that fear to really give you a good kick in the butt....