RYAN'S ANGEL DAY
It has been 4 years without Ryan(Apr 15th). As you all know losing a child is such a, excruciating painful journey. Every time I see a new mom on the FMO list, my heartaches for them. I remember that GREAT BIG BLACK HOLE in my stomach. It was like someone shot a cannon ball through my stomach & shattered my "Heart". The pain was so intense, my heart hurt, with every deep breath I took. All I wanted is to ask questions, about how other moms feel, how they got through it, if they believed in the after life, do you think he knows what happened, do you think he's ok..The what ifs, and the if only, the whys, the why me, OVER, and OVER, and OVER AGAIN..To the point, I had to ask myself, do I want to live for my daughter, and family members, or continue to live a dead life. The first two years I wanted to die, until I came to my sences, and realized, I have a daughter to live for (when someone would say to me, "you have your daughter to live for", I would look at them with a dreadful look, and say "YA, BUT What about Ryan, how am I gonna live without him?!?!(ya but, ya but, ya but).. I couldn't understand it, at the time.. I could not comprehend, anything that was said to me. What ever was said to help, helped for the moment, but it was short lived.... all the wonderful signs Ryan had sent me, made me aware of the connection we had, I could feel his energy, his presence, his smell, his LOVE.... You KNOW! A sign a mother would only know! The 1st two years, is when most of the signs happened, I guess it was b/c all I could think of was him. It drove me crazy, but it got me through the moments of despair, birthdays, holidays, his angel date. (plus as you all know Taxes are due on the 15th, it also happened on Easter Weekend that year (2006)... During the 3rd year, out of know is when I noticed a lot more happier days then bad. I got out of my misery/myself and started helping others, with different things, it was such a pleasure, to see other people happy. I didn't realize how much pain was involved in life... The 3rd and 4th year was when I started to heal...(feel, deal, heal).... Anyway, 6 months into the 3rd year was when I felt a Hugh change for the better, the 4th year was basically the same.. Each year is a learning experience..I learned more how to trick my mind into Positive thinking.. I have to ask God to help me through another day, daily. If I don't I find myself slipping backwards.. By turning my life over to God, gives me Faith, love, comfort, peace, hope. BUT the pain never goes away. We just learn how to deal with it.. God designed us this way, we only can feel so much pain before we do something about it, (speaking for myself).
The month of April, I felt, restless, Irritable, and discontent, pacing the floors. I had to use my brain, and deal with everything I had learned throughout the last 4 years. As time got closer to Ryan's angel date, I started to feel numb to it all. I felt quilty for feeling ok, then I thought something was wrong with me b/c I had this dull numb feeling. I had this fear come across me as though, everything I learned in the past 4 year, gave me mixed emotions. The night before Ryan's angel date, I laid in bed, staring at the walls with fear, I couldn't sleep. Everything started going around and around in my head, as though I was watching the whole incident happening all over again.. I was so full of fear I couldn't let my guard down. It was horrible, I couldn't understand why I was not crying, finally, I fell a sleep.. The next morning I woke up like I do every morning, with this dull saddness, it just won't go away... This is why I have to ask or Ryan for help, to get me through another day, everyday, or I'm doomed..... I asked God & Ryan for help, every moment I feel/Felt saddness, negitive thoughts, scarey feelings.. I would talk to Ryan, as if he was standing next to me. It worked! "UNTIL' Erica called me. Once I answered the phone, she asked if I was ok, before I could say, Ya I'm ok, I broke down and cried...She said, "OOOH, Mom, come over to Dakota's house", a few of her friends were down at the river, where they go canoeing. So,, I said "Alright, I'll gather my stuff, I'll be there soon" When I got there, they were laying in the sun along the river in their bathing suits, and it was sunny, cold, and windy, but you know Kids, Well 18, 19, 20 year old kids...It helped so much to get out, and feel the sun, even the cold wind felt good. There were a few of their guy friends there. I use to feel so sad when other boy's were around..I now feel as though, Ryan is hanging out with us..It is kinda neat watching the boys actions, they all do the same type of actions.... As time goes on, God shows us human beings, WE ARE ALL OF ONE. "LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTER" ( Everytime I say "Love is all that matters", I think of Kala (Rememberkala), and I smile, Thank you Kala for making me smile again!! Our body is only a shell.. I could not comprehened it, until resently...I wanted to believe it all along, but didn't quite feel it completely yet...
I am a spear of the moment kinda person, especially writting journals... I'm not much of a journal person as I would like to be...I have a terrible fear of writting my feelings down, but I'm realizing its really better for me. There is something magical about it.. It is like unloading our brains, so we can add more memory, just like we do a computer so it will work faster. Now I am in my 3rd day, of my 5th year....OMG! It blows me away, I still cannot believe its been this long. It hurts to know Ryan will never come home to momma. OH My sweet precious son......
RYAN, I miss hearing you call me momma. Please keep guiding Erica & I through our 5th year. So far I have been blessed to know you have helped us through the worst days of our life. Being here on earth without you has been the most painful experience I've ever had to go through, but yet, taught me alot about how much Love there is needed to give into this world, and how people take things for granted, not realizing the important things in life. OH, How do I miss you so, I never realized how much love hurts, but yet you have taught me how to love. I know now why, I was always afraid to love.. The love I have for you my precious child, learned me to spread my love out, into others, to help others. I will always love You, more than life itself.. My heart hurt so bad, and still does, I thought I was gonna die from a broken heart. I know people can die from a broken heart, I've seen it with the elderly people, but they are old, and have lived their lives, and are ready to rejoice with their love ones in Heaven.. Thank you for all your signs guiding me, and helping me regain the strength I needed to go on. You helped me realize I have alot more love to give others who need it. I know you know, how much I love you! nobody could put a prize on it. I told Erica I'd give up anything to have you back. I told her I'd even live in a tent if we had to.. she didn't say anything..I said "we would have so much fun, wouldn't we" and she chuckled, and said yaaa!! You know me Ryan, I'd do anything for you, that is why we had a special bond, for all these years. I really really believe, thats why we have the connection between Earth & Heaven. I want to beable to kiss you and hug you so tight, like I did before.. Please give me some messages in my dreams.. side, I'll be watching for your signs... I LOVE YOU RYAN!!!! LOVE, Mamma ...
The month of April, I felt, restless, Irritable, and discontent, pacing the floors. I had to use my brain, and deal with everything I had learned throughout the last 4 years. As time got closer to Ryan's angel date, I started to feel numb to it all. I felt quilty for feeling ok, then I thought something was wrong with me b/c I had this dull numb feeling. I had this fear come across me as though, everything I learned in the past 4 year, gave me mixed emotions. The night before Ryan's angel date, I laid in bed, staring at the walls with fear, I couldn't sleep. Everything started going around and around in my head, as though I was watching the whole incident happening all over again.. I was so full of fear I couldn't let my guard down. It was horrible, I couldn't understand why I was not crying, finally, I fell a sleep.. The next morning I woke up like I do every morning, with this dull saddness, it just won't go away... This is why I have to ask or Ryan for help, to get me through another day, everyday, or I'm doomed..... I asked God & Ryan for help, every moment I feel/Felt saddness, negitive thoughts, scarey feelings.. I would talk to Ryan, as if he was standing next to me. It worked! "UNTIL' Erica called me. Once I answered the phone, she asked if I was ok, before I could say, Ya I'm ok, I broke down and cried...She said, "OOOH, Mom, come over to Dakota's house", a few of her friends were down at the river, where they go canoeing. So,, I said "Alright, I'll gather my stuff, I'll be there soon" When I got there, they were laying in the sun along the river in their bathing suits, and it was sunny, cold, and windy, but you know Kids, Well 18, 19, 20 year old kids...It helped so much to get out, and feel the sun, even the cold wind felt good. There were a few of their guy friends there. I use to feel so sad when other boy's were around..I now feel as though, Ryan is hanging out with us..It is kinda neat watching the boys actions, they all do the same type of actions.... As time goes on, God shows us human beings, WE ARE ALL OF ONE. "LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTER" ( Everytime I say "Love is all that matters", I think of Kala (Rememberkala), and I smile, Thank you Kala for making me smile again!! Our body is only a shell.. I could not comprehened it, until resently...I wanted to believe it all along, but didn't quite feel it completely yet...
I am a spear of the moment kinda person, especially writting journals... I'm not much of a journal person as I would like to be...I have a terrible fear of writting my feelings down, but I'm realizing its really better for me. There is something magical about it.. It is like unloading our brains, so we can add more memory, just like we do a computer so it will work faster. Now I am in my 3rd day, of my 5th year....OMG! It blows me away, I still cannot believe its been this long. It hurts to know Ryan will never come home to momma. OH My sweet precious son......
RYAN, I miss hearing you call me momma. Please keep guiding Erica & I through our 5th year. So far I have been blessed to know you have helped us through the worst days of our life. Being here on earth without you has been the most painful experience I've ever had to go through, but yet, taught me alot about how much Love there is needed to give into this world, and how people take things for granted, not realizing the important things in life. OH, How do I miss you so, I never realized how much love hurts, but yet you have taught me how to love. I know now why, I was always afraid to love.. The love I have for you my precious child, learned me to spread my love out, into others, to help others. I will always love You, more than life itself.. My heart hurt so bad, and still does, I thought I was gonna die from a broken heart. I know people can die from a broken heart, I've seen it with the elderly people, but they are old, and have lived their lives, and are ready to rejoice with their love ones in Heaven.. Thank you for all your signs guiding me, and helping me regain the strength I needed to go on. You helped me realize I have alot more love to give others who need it. I know you know, how much I love you! nobody could put a prize on it. I told Erica I'd give up anything to have you back. I told her I'd even live in a tent if we had to.. she didn't say anything..I said "we would have so much fun, wouldn't we" and she chuckled, and said yaaa!! You know me Ryan, I'd do anything for you, that is why we had a special bond, for all these years. I really really believe, thats why we have the connection between Earth & Heaven. I want to beable to kiss you and hug you so tight, like I did before.. Please give me some messages in my dreams.. side, I'll be watching for your signs... I LOVE YOU RYAN!!!! LOVE, Mamma ...
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