russ's pain

Yesterday I came online here to DailyStrenght...
I wanted to add something bright and cheerful to one group I tend to visit most...share a smile...laugh maybe forget all the problems of life for just a moment.. a brief second ...
The season is changing and that means weeks on end of endless pain...a strong pain reliever and hours asleep will get me to another day... yet I will be upset at myself because I haven't gotten anything done around the house I think I so desprately need doin...dishes, dustin.. ya know  stuff..
back yard is a needin some cleanin.. got more stuff ...(lumber) than I can use...haven't been on the bike trail in ages... at least 3 months now.. weather, heat, skeeters...all excuses ya know...
I get so stressed at times...my mind becomes confused... kinda scary...it's like thoughts going haywire...I just have to sit down for a few minutes just to gether my self to reality..
Some events of my childhood have forced themselves back into my memory...long buried anger...hatred...sadness, have come flooding back.
My grandmothers attempt at expressing her feelings of hate and anger towards me... the child she seems to despise... cause pains i can't even begin to explain...
Seven years of beatings daily... for what ever the reason, most the time it seemed to me just the fact I looked at her wrong...unable to please her I spent all my life as long as she lived tryin to gain that seal of approval...untill 1995 or 1996.. cant even remember any more.. cause i just laid all the anger and hate aside... and told my grandmother I wasn't gonna play her game any more... so i left that day... and never returned...
A few weeks later  she was gone...and I missed her so...We laid her to rest along side my grandfather.. and I had hoped the rest of my life would some how be more peaceful... fourteen years later...BOOM!
A visit from a very angry ex wife.. triggers my PTSD..PSTD..awe how ya spell that anyway?  I don't even know what goin on any more.. my children.. they tell me I should of done this or that... My memories of my marriage and their childhood are so much different than what they tell me they remember, sad part is I reckon we all have a different version to fit the needs of our dysfunctional past.
This cause me great destress... i know I'm anything but perfect... I know how faithful, loveing, loyal, and protective a husband and father I was...working 12 to 14 hours a day untill i became so disabled I could no longer earn gainful employment...I have to wonder HOW... did I become the destroyer of my marriage...my children tell me I did and said things I know I didn't...
So as the depression fades.. and the pain reminds me I'm very much alive...it's very difficult having to shoulder even more than all the pain and abuse, of a terrible childhood and a failed marriage....now only to be reminded again that it's all my FAULT..!
Prehaps there is such a thing as a family Curse...all there is to face this ... is the memories that I played by the  rules and lost...some how my grandmother and my ex want to punish me for all that is wrong in the world...well my ex.. she done lost out... my grandmother she already crushed what ever helps a child grow up to be sucessful and productive...happy...loving... and trusting...
there is no way to defend myself against the never ending insults, lies, and deceptions of an angry, hateful, ex wife...Hear tell she's happy, her man makes lots of money...  life is just grand so they tell me.. so I have to wonder... why the heck she so dang angry at me...jeesh...
So ya probably wonder what all this I problems I'm ramblin on about.   Well frankly I have no idea... just needed to get some this chit off my chest...as far as the ex is cornsorned...(blows rasberry)  have a great life.. just leave me ALONE...sorry I can't be ya friend...I don't trust ya...
But my Grandmother.. now there's a whole different story...I did good considerin...never beat my kids or belittled em.. yeah I lost my temper a few times.. and yeah I called  my oldest daughter a whore once.. she replied very matter o factly.. I aint a whore I don't get paid......so yeah I made a few mistakes... I just can't quite figure out where they come up with some of the memories they lay on me sometimes...it's really fun when my oldest son and his wifey tell me... there no way my past can be true I must of made up  all those stories of beatings and abuse cause no one could survive all that...So...? how ya gonna defend ya self against that kind of thinkin...
Oh the one that just sticks in my craw.. is I'm disable because I choose to be this way... that I could be magically cured by prayer...(which I use to just get through a day most the time)... and that I should get off my big fat lazy ass and  walk... no matter how bad it hurts.. to just push thru the pain...Yeah I'll try that one...
Ya know I told my mom the same darn thing about walkin... Sorry Mom... least now I know how unedumacated I was back when...See Mom she graduated with Honors from the School of Hard Knocks...Me too... top of the class...and all the untold number of folks that went to that school finished on top too... it's lonely at the Top...
SUCH IS LIFE
AINT LIFE GRAND
Best wishes and many blessing...russ

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

we can be our own worst enimies sometimes, we beat ourseleves up to a pulp. i hope you are talking to someone whom can help you to deal with all this? only respect goes to them with the courrage to reach out for help. you are ok honey, all them feeling are just trying to be released so you can move on, so please do whatever it takes to let them out. remember they are feelings, they cannot hurt you, let them go. my friend instead of being so hard on yourselve, try to pat yourself on the back sometimes for making it this far with all that built up pain, be kind to yourself. and russ, please keep asking Jesus/higher power to heal you of this pain, it will happen. faith/believe, and talk to someone who knows how to help you handle this pain correctly. thinking of you, and sending prayers your way. i am placing your name on a prayer chain, where many will pray for you honey..xxxx
sunshine521
sunshine521

~(HUGSSS)~