runrunrunrunrun....

It was a month ago that we went to CO. This month is flying by. 

I met w/ a good friend yesterday. We did an angel card reading for her w/ Earth cards. It was a very very good reading. I "accidently" took the wrong card set and it turned out one of the best readings ever.

Today is a "rest day". I am tired and still vegging this morning. I have a hard time on "rest" days. I am tired... I did a lot of walking and even did some jogging this week. I did a lot of yoga and met quite a few friends for coffee : T, S, and went to my meetings. 

But I struggle on "rest" days bc I am usually tired and it brings back old fears of not being able to get out of bed. .... I hate that feeling. As much as I love getting stronger in my legs from run/walking... it makes me feel fear bc I remember that horrible decline and how it physically felt. And how it took me years to get back up.... BUT I am willing as long as I do not put the pressure on myself to walk / jog more than 3 days a week. I HAVE to take it slow.... or it will backfire. 

So I'm going to eat well today. Maybe eat more carbs than I'm used to. Do only light chores and go eat w/ hubby and watch movies. Only yoga. I can't walk today. ... or I will crater. So M/W/F I can walk/ jog.... that's all. 

I also have some sewing projects that I can work on today. And I am going to a shower tomorrow... and it is literally supposed to rain all day. But 3 of us are going.... which will be nice.... 

I battle the SAD with these clouds and rain. I hate it. I really mentally struggle and I feel my body depressed and tired. Tired is a fearful state for me. ... I will never forget riding my bike 15 miles and then we went to eat. I was so tired. It was a tired that I hadn't felt before. In July of 2009. And joints were starting to hurt. And in 6 months I was unable to get out of bed.... and it took me years to get up. So, I love working out. I still crave it. But I have a fear of getting exhausted from it bc my body doesn't know how to recover. 

But it is so much better. Miraculous. But it's been 9 years. the struggle of 9 years. And I still want to run. something inside of me wants to jog. what is that? it has never left me. For forty years it hasn't left me. I started running when I was 13... and ran for years and years. and then stopped when i was having physical problems in college.... but i've always wanted to get back to it... always. and i'm 56.... 

i really need to have a conversation with God about it.... to take that desire away... or let me run.