Running Away
I have spent the last 20 months running away from the deep and profound grief that I feel from not having any relationship with my daughter or grandchildren. I left a familiar job that I was proficient in to a high pressure job that I knew nothing about. I decided to go back to school after 18 years to finish a degree. These aren't necessarily bad things in and of themselves, but they are ways of running away from my pain, and running away from other people. I have an excuse to not engage with my family and friends, because I have homework to complete. I am too exhausted to talk. I don't have time to do the holiday baking or to exercise. I have an excuse not to perform as well at work or to not talk to my co-workers. I can't take responsibility to be on a commitee because I'm new and don't know anybody. What I'm finding though is you can only run away so long from your problems before you have to sit down and face them. If I don't the rest of my life will be a shambles. Yes it is a terrible situation I am facing with my daughter, but I can't let the rest of my life fall apart. While I have been hiding behind this other things, that is exactly what has been happening. Nancy
Replies
It is difficult, your numb, just going through the motions of the day. I found going to bed was my comfort, I would sleep more so I would not have to face life. In a way, it was my way of running away. I think it\'s part of the process, of how we process this pain which is almost a grief. Then there\'s anger and after anger you start to feel you have to put it in God\'s hands. You have no control over anything but your life. And you will have an awakening, you won\'t want to miss life\'s challenges. You will feel alive again after finding yourself. You have to be good to yourself. I always say take care of YOU and everything else will be better for it. So try a little each day. Do something for you, read a book, take a bubble bath, listen to music, get your nails done or volunteer. Just be you, Nancy. If you need a push once in awhile, just send me a message. You can do it.
Sorry to hear what you are going through. I think we all have our ways of isolating when things are rough. I know that it hurts to be estranged from your daughter and grandchild. All is not lost - lots of things WILL change, but I have found that it helps to have sounding boards, friends, counselors to deal with the pain. If the child cannot meet you halfway, or more, at least you will have other areas in which you are welcomed and embraced.
This is a good group. We understand and have walked - maybe not exactly, but in one form or another - in your shoes.