ruminations
Right after I graduated college, I was involved with a self help program called LifeSpring. It embodied everything I really and truly believed about having a happy, successful life. The cornerstone of the philisophy was that we had control over our lives, that if we were not happy, or where we wanted to be in our lives, we and only we had the power to make those things happen. It was an empowering, positive, and enlightening experience. (That is, until like many of those programs (EST, etc) it became clear that even though the concepts and workshops were valid, it was a money making enterprise that would pressure you to go up level after level at $500 a pop!)
At any rate, I lived the last 30 years of my life with those principles and that belief system in place. It served me well. Even when I was addicted to cigarettes, I knew that I had the power to stop. Yes, I was physically addicted, and had to just tough out the withdrawal. And the behavioral modification was difficult, finding different coping mechanisms, different "reward" systems, etc. I was psycho-mom for a couple of weeks, but I did it. I did it because I realized it was a deadly habit, self destructive and stupid.
I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent person, no genius, but educated and well rounded. What is blowing my mind with this gambling issue is that it's essentially the brain version of an autoimmune disorder. My mom has fibromyalgia, and it's the result of having her immune system turning against the body. That which she counts on to protect her has turned against her. My BRAIN has done the same thing with this compulsive gambling. MY BRAIN!!! The area of reason, of responsibility, of avoiding dangerous situations, of self control, that area has declared mutiny. The same brain that quit smoking, that shops sales, that handled the family finances for years, that has been a life coach for others, that graduated college and started businesses, that raised 3 children with values and honesty and an appreciation for the simple things in life,that same brain has decided that I will sit in a smoky casino in front of a machine for hours on end, going back and forth to the ATM and draining our bank account and squeal with PLEASURE whenever I get a payoff that is a FRACTION of a PERCENT of what I had lost over the period of a few months.
This is terrifying.
At any rate, I lived the last 30 years of my life with those principles and that belief system in place. It served me well. Even when I was addicted to cigarettes, I knew that I had the power to stop. Yes, I was physically addicted, and had to just tough out the withdrawal. And the behavioral modification was difficult, finding different coping mechanisms, different "reward" systems, etc. I was psycho-mom for a couple of weeks, but I did it. I did it because I realized it was a deadly habit, self destructive and stupid.
I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent person, no genius, but educated and well rounded. What is blowing my mind with this gambling issue is that it's essentially the brain version of an autoimmune disorder. My mom has fibromyalgia, and it's the result of having her immune system turning against the body. That which she counts on to protect her has turned against her. My BRAIN has done the same thing with this compulsive gambling. MY BRAIN!!! The area of reason, of responsibility, of avoiding dangerous situations, of self control, that area has declared mutiny. The same brain that quit smoking, that shops sales, that handled the family finances for years, that has been a life coach for others, that graduated college and started businesses, that raised 3 children with values and honesty and an appreciation for the simple things in life,that same brain has decided that I will sit in a smoky casino in front of a machine for hours on end, going back and forth to the ATM and draining our bank account and squeal with PLEASURE whenever I get a payoff that is a FRACTION of a PERCENT of what I had lost over the period of a few months.
This is terrifying.
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