ruined?...

I feel ruined.  I feel like the person I was before this all happened is no longer around.  I see glimpses of her now and then, but I miss my old self.  The first 6 months of having a baby is supposed to be full of smiles, maybe some tears and anxiousness, but not to the degree I have experienced.  It pisses me off.  I will never get back this time in my life and I'm really having a hard time finding the "silver lining" to this.....  I'm mad at the dr's who dismissed my symptoms as a TIA or migraine for six LONG agonizing weeks......I knew that something was wrong with me, but it felt like nobody was listening.  That scared me so much since I knew there was something really wrong.  Those six weeks really messed with my head and nerves...and now six weeks has turned into 6 months...and I still feel such anxiousness and fear.  IT's not even to do with the stupid blood clot that WAS in my head.  It has to do with my fear of dying and not being around to enjoy my babies, husband, family, friends and all that I hold so near and dear to my heart in this beautiful life.  It now feels like I can't trust my body as each day I experience new aches/pains and of course think "what is that?"...I must have cancer or MS, or early parkinsons.  Why is this happening to me??