After reading all of the discussions for the week I realize my situation could be a lot worse and my prayers go out to all of the caregivers that are struggling right now. I went to the Dr this week for my 3 month blood workup and of course physically I am fine, mentally not so good. Doc put me on different anti depressant (has not helped yet). Since my hubby went to hospital before Xmas there has not been much improvement. He just can not seem to come out of it this time. We started back to college last month our main reason to go is for extra financial help from grant money, I was able to buy a used car with it and had to pay back my kids with this semesters money. Hubby has to use his grant money to fix our other vehicle but he should not even be going and I don't believe he will be attending much longer. He won't admit that he is as sick as he is and just pushes himself everyday. I know this is good for him in a way but at this point he can barely see and is risking complete loss of sight by straining his eyes on computer. Anyway, he missed most of his classes this week as he slept for four days, was so weak he could not walk and was completely out of it. This has never happened before. Could not get him to go to hospital so I have no idea what caused it. He has so many things wrong it is hard to tell anymore. There has been some improvement today as he can actually stay awake and carry on a conversation so that is a good thing. Guess he will make it through without hospital visit. The thing is, you cannot see your own doctor because they are so busy so you have to go to emergency and he hates it so he just won't go.I have been so worried all week I have been a wreck not knowing what is wrong and if he is going to make it. With PAH and now kidney damage life expectancy is questionable. Then comes my selfishness, I am obsessed with food, all I think about is him and food. I have gained weight because I had to quit my little side job (hubby accused me of affair with 72 year old man) and so not moving around as much and this week I just don't want to move at all. Doc said to walk 3 miles a day and I don't even want to get dressed. It is so hard to keep up spirits. On Friday, I fed him around 3 pm and thought that would hold him so I could go to granddaughters final basketball game of her high school years and they were honoring her so I left at 5pm and by 7pm he had called me three times and was mad cuz he was hungry. It had just gotten over so of course rushed right home to feed him and he would not talk to me. Saturday morning other granddaughter had basketball tournament so I got up early went and grocery shopped came home put everything away and while hubby was sleeping, actually snuck out to watch her for about forty minutes, got away with it and am now back in the house til next Thursday when I go to school. Most of my classes are on line so I don't have to leave the house. Anyway, I made it again. I have not been talking to God enough lately and I know that I need to, so my goal for the week is to spend more time with God and see if he can't help me perk up and give me the strength to motivate myself out of this depression.