Rough Times....

Been a rough month...Easter hurt not having Rachel with us.  John & I went to the cemetary and brought her Easter Lilies and little plastic yellow ducks filled with "love notes".  I never realized before how much the holidays meant to us as a family.  I think we celebrated everything....because we have always had dogs on Easter I would hang plastic Easter Eggs from the ceiling with colorful ribbon.  The eggs would start in her room above her bed (she was a very sound sleeper) and then there would be dozens going down the hall to the living room where her easter basket would be. (Yes, she was 18, but fun is fun....!)
Last weekend was our 3 month anniversary of her death.  I can't believe it's been 3 months.  Sometimes I still believe she will come home and give me a big hug.  I believe it is getting worse as I start to realize the finality of it.  And I don't like it......I cry myself to sleep and find myself hugging unto a piece of her clothing.  Her clothes still have her scent.  I can't clean out her room and haven't even finished unpacking her belongings from her college dorm room.  I have dozens of thank you notes yet to write, but get so depressed that I can't finish the ones I start.  (I hope they will understand the delay.)
I figured out the other day that here is a holiday in every month for us except August! What a weird random thought....
Still have her headstone to place.  Looks like Spring is finally here, so should be able to place next month.  Hopefully by Mother's Day.  Already put in for having the Monday after off work.  Know that I will be a mess....and not up to facing people.  She was our only child and I loved being her mom.
Sorry to ramble, but needed to talk.  Thanks to all of you - much love and hugs.  ~Laura, Rachel's Mom