Rough Times....
Been a rough month...Easter hurt not having Rachel with us. John & I went to the cemetary and brought her Easter Lilies and little plastic yellow ducks filled with "love notes". I never realized before how much the holidays meant to us as a family. I think we celebrated everything....because we have always had dogs on Easter I would hang plastic Easter Eggs from the ceiling with colorful ribbon. The eggs would start in her room above her bed (she was a very sound sleeper) and then there would be dozens going down the hall to the living room where her easter basket would be. (Yes, she was 18, but fun is fun....!)
Last weekend was our 3 month anniversary of her death. I can't believe it's been 3 months. Sometimes I still believe she will come home and give me a big hug. I believe it is getting worse as I start to realize the finality of it. And I don't like it......I cry myself to sleep and find myself hugging unto a piece of her clothing. Her clothes still have her scent. I can't clean out her room and haven't even finished unpacking her belongings from her college dorm room. I have dozens of thank you notes yet to write, but get so depressed that I can't finish the ones I start. (I hope they will understand the delay.)
I figured out the other day that here is a holiday in every month for us except August! What a weird random thought....
Still have her headstone to place. Looks like Spring is finally here, so should be able to place next month. Hopefully by Mother's Day. Already put in for having the Monday after off work. Know that I will be a mess....and not up to facing people. She was our only child and I loved being her mom.
Sorry to ramble, but needed to talk. Thanks to all of you - much love and hugs. ~Laura, Rachel's Mom
Last weekend was our 3 month anniversary of her death. I can't believe it's been 3 months. Sometimes I still believe she will come home and give me a big hug. I believe it is getting worse as I start to realize the finality of it. And I don't like it......I cry myself to sleep and find myself hugging unto a piece of her clothing. Her clothes still have her scent. I can't clean out her room and haven't even finished unpacking her belongings from her college dorm room. I have dozens of thank you notes yet to write, but get so depressed that I can't finish the ones I start. (I hope they will understand the delay.)
I figured out the other day that here is a holiday in every month for us except August! What a weird random thought....
Still have her headstone to place. Looks like Spring is finally here, so should be able to place next month. Hopefully by Mother's Day. Already put in for having the Monday after off work. Know that I will be a mess....and not up to facing people. She was our only child and I loved being her mom.
Sorry to ramble, but needed to talk. Thanks to all of you - much love and hugs. ~Laura, Rachel's Mom
Replies
My heart breaks for you and I wish there was some magic words.But I know it will get worse before it gets better because the missing only get worse with time.I searched for ways to make the outcome different and I tried to make deals to get him back.I would think I was going crazy.My heart breaks double for you that she was your only child.We all have something that makes this different or worse for each one of us.But for you that only have one child it has to be horrible.Her pictures are beautiful.Your love for each other will always show what a honor it is that you had the pleasures of loveing each other.I\'m sure you have made her proud..When my pain was new as yours is now,I searched for things to help me.If it made me feel better I kept it if it didn\'t I moved on.Writing my son was the best .Here is a little poem that brought me a little peace.........WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME ,DON\"T THINK WE\"ER FAR APART,FOR EVERYTIME YOU THINK OF ME I\"M RIGHT HERE IN YOUR HEART !!!!!
I am so sorry. Your grief is so fresh. It may take quite some time to heal. It has been 19+ months since I lost my son. I am doing pretty good now, but I still have my days. When I am having that bad day, I think to myself, that it is just as bad as the beginning. When I think of all the raw emotions I was experiencing when it first happened, I know those bad days are nowhere near as painful as they once were. Either, I am recovering, or just adapting, I don\'t know. Tight hugs to you dear friend. Barbara
Your Easter egg hunt was wonderful, I always had an egg in their shoe in the morning,,exept this year,we still had egg hunts,,yes, they were 19 and 21,,her room still has things that need to put away,but I will not get rid of anything,I go there for peace, I go there to cry and hold her things,I am only 1 month before you,,,so sorry that you are right behind me.peace,,,Nora
You need to know that you can come here anytime and \"ramble\" if you need to...we all do that. Please don\'t expect too much of yourself right now. Three months is such a short time...do only what you feel able to do...it will all get done in the right time for YOU. It took me a long time to finish my thank you notes...your friends will understand...I know they will. Right now you need to do whatever gets you through the day...love and a gentle hug...Karen
Right now your mind is clouded with so many different emotions. It\'s hard to just get up and dressed let alone finish thank you notes and unpack. Please take time and if you feel you have a little extra energy one day then just do one thing. You\'ve heard people say \"baby steps\", that\'s all we can do, take little steps until we get there. Love to you. Robin
your doing so good ,and you know where I am,you and john were hear for me ,I didnt think it was possiable to have any tears left but I can come and sit at your house and just be there,and cry with you if it would help.But not really anything helps ,I just came home with 2 more tubs of amandas clothing all smelling just lkie her and doug and both have been going to bed with a robe or blouse or whatever,your so normal,love you LAURIE,p,s I killed the plant you gave me soooo sorry
Laura,
you may call it rambling and it sure makes us feel better when we do. Keep sharing how you feel especially the first year or so. Hugs, Inga