Rough night Take Two
I did get my son Tuesday. Remember my ex had called because she couldn't start the snow blower. I asked if she wanted me to come do it and she said "That's okay. I'll look on the Internet."
Well, I was going to pick up my son at 5:00. I cleared my car and went out to get gas at 3:00, and I drove by the house (2 streets down from the gas station) to be sure she got the snowblower going ok. Evidently a neighbor helped her with it, so she had the driveway almost clear. I texted "I'm glad you got it working. I'll be back at 5:00 to get Trev." I went back at 5:00 and picked him up. All seemed fine. She kissed me on the cheek as I left.
Tuesday night, my son's school broadcast a 90-minute delayed opening on Wednesday, so I set the alarm a little later. When I woke up, the school had changed to closed for the day. So, I got to spend most of Wednesday with my son, though it messed up my work schedule and I'm behind.
Wednesday night I texted goodnight to my ex. I know. We are both still doing that and I need to stop soon. Anyway, she didn't respond, and I'm still not able to fall asleep at night. I finally dozed off around 2:00 AM. She texted me back at 2:15 AM and said "fell asleep. Love you...but I am extremely frustrated with you." I asked "Why?" I then got an hour long text exchange about how I broke a boundary and didn't respect her because I checked to see if she was okay with the snowblower and she had asked me not to come.
I apologized and explained that I thought she was just being considerate not to make me come out, but I was out anyway, so I stopped to be sure she got it going okay. I honestly didn't give much thought to it other than checking on my family's safety. I guess this is the first time I have stopped "uninvited." I'm clearly not a stalker or anything.
She went off on me. "Of course there was consideration involved and then you returned it with this. There was no emergency, no need of rescue, no false pride - just a clear statement that I didn't want you to come here."
Huh? "That's okay, I'll look on the Internet" was an explicit "don't come here?" I had no intention of offending or frustrating her with "this." I again apologized for misunderstanding and not obeying her wish. She came back with "not obeying, respecting." Ok. Respecting. My point was I didn't understand there was an explicit statement not to stop by and help. I thought there was just a courtesy to me. Anyway, I really f'd up big time.
I finally cut her off at 3:25 and apologized again, told her I need to get a couple hours sleep as I had to be up at 6:30 for a presentation I had to do this morning, and said G'nite".
What an awful night. I'm feeling horrible today, and I'm exhausted. I have pool league tonight and we are short on players, so I feel guilty if I skip it, but it always goes late - until around midnight. I think I have to go. I'll have to prepare my presentation for Boston this weekend I guess.
Why do I keep making these mistakes? I guess I still identify with wanting to care for my family and therefore to be sure they were safely dug out. I will certainly not be doing that again and I'll listen better and be more explicit in understandings. I feel horrible now.
On the other hand, she used to do this to me a lot. "I won't go see Lynyrd Skynyrd with you because it was my fiance's favorite song - freebird, that they played at his funeral when he was killed. You should not have asked me that." Okay. I took her to see "Boston" a couple months later and she appeared to have a good time. Then I got "I shouldn't have gone with you. It was exhausting and emotionally draining. That was one of my finace's bands that I went to see with him. I'll never go again." Fast forward two months and she takes one of her patients to go see Lynyrd Skynyrd at the Big E and texts me that they are really "on" and what a great show it is...
I guess I need to accept that I can't win. I did make an honest misunderstanding and I was in the wrong - again.
Well, I was going to pick up my son at 5:00. I cleared my car and went out to get gas at 3:00, and I drove by the house (2 streets down from the gas station) to be sure she got the snowblower going ok. Evidently a neighbor helped her with it, so she had the driveway almost clear. I texted "I'm glad you got it working. I'll be back at 5:00 to get Trev." I went back at 5:00 and picked him up. All seemed fine. She kissed me on the cheek as I left.
Tuesday night, my son's school broadcast a 90-minute delayed opening on Wednesday, so I set the alarm a little later. When I woke up, the school had changed to closed for the day. So, I got to spend most of Wednesday with my son, though it messed up my work schedule and I'm behind.
Wednesday night I texted goodnight to my ex. I know. We are both still doing that and I need to stop soon. Anyway, she didn't respond, and I'm still not able to fall asleep at night. I finally dozed off around 2:00 AM. She texted me back at 2:15 AM and said "fell asleep. Love you...but I am extremely frustrated with you." I asked "Why?" I then got an hour long text exchange about how I broke a boundary and didn't respect her because I checked to see if she was okay with the snowblower and she had asked me not to come.
I apologized and explained that I thought she was just being considerate not to make me come out, but I was out anyway, so I stopped to be sure she got it going okay. I honestly didn't give much thought to it other than checking on my family's safety. I guess this is the first time I have stopped "uninvited." I'm clearly not a stalker or anything.
She went off on me. "Of course there was consideration involved and then you returned it with this. There was no emergency, no need of rescue, no false pride - just a clear statement that I didn't want you to come here."
Huh? "That's okay, I'll look on the Internet" was an explicit "don't come here?" I had no intention of offending or frustrating her with "this." I again apologized for misunderstanding and not obeying her wish. She came back with "not obeying, respecting." Ok. Respecting. My point was I didn't understand there was an explicit statement not to stop by and help. I thought there was just a courtesy to me. Anyway, I really f'd up big time.
I finally cut her off at 3:25 and apologized again, told her I need to get a couple hours sleep as I had to be up at 6:30 for a presentation I had to do this morning, and said G'nite".
What an awful night. I'm feeling horrible today, and I'm exhausted. I have pool league tonight and we are short on players, so I feel guilty if I skip it, but it always goes late - until around midnight. I think I have to go. I'll have to prepare my presentation for Boston this weekend I guess.
Why do I keep making these mistakes? I guess I still identify with wanting to care for my family and therefore to be sure they were safely dug out. I will certainly not be doing that again and I'll listen better and be more explicit in understandings. I feel horrible now.
On the other hand, she used to do this to me a lot. "I won't go see Lynyrd Skynyrd with you because it was my fiance's favorite song - freebird, that they played at his funeral when he was killed. You should not have asked me that." Okay. I took her to see "Boston" a couple months later and she appeared to have a good time. Then I got "I shouldn't have gone with you. It was exhausting and emotionally draining. That was one of my finace's bands that I went to see with him. I'll never go again." Fast forward two months and she takes one of her patients to go see Lynyrd Skynyrd at the Big E and texts me that they are really "on" and what a great show it is...
I guess I need to accept that I can't win. I did make an honest misunderstanding and I was in the wrong - again.
Replies
The more you stay in contact with her expect more of the same. I played the same game for five months. It\'s a no-win situation at this point. My advice is to keep all conversations about your kid only. And her saying love you in her text messages just messes you up. You have to go through the uncoupling and that\'s going to take a long time
It almost seems like provoking - calling me because she can\'t get the snowblower to start, asking me to describe from memory on the phone the throttle, the choke, the ignition, the primer, etc., then telling me she will just look it up on the Internet and hanging up without me knowing if she ever got it going or not. Sort of like a \"hey I want you to know I\'ve got an issue, but no I don\'t need you...\" I was supposed to pick my son up at 5:00, so I did answer her call, but it is a mine field for sure... Is it about my ability to get him, which you denied me the night before and put it into the storm, or is it about their safety, or is it just some kind of weird taunting or set-up to help feel angry and justify herself for leaving me? I guess I\'ll never know. Lesson learned to be more careful. I can\'t believe the control I am still allowing her to have over me and my feelings. I\'ve got to get better at this.
It\'s still really early going for you. The only way through it is through it. It\'s a shitty horrible situation but eventually over time it does get better...at least not as all encompassing pain and hurt. But I will say again...the longer you try and still act as a couple the longer and more painful it will be. It\'s a sad fact but believe me when I say it\'s the cold truth. Take care, you can do this.
Thanks Coop. We have cut all contact except in three areas.
1. Our son - visitation, events, etc.
2. A trilogy of novels she wrote the year before the divorce. I\'m entitled to 50% of any profit from those novels in return for doing all the eBook formatting, publishing and marketing, as well as setting up and helping her do the audiobook recordings (software, microphones, formatting, editing, etc.) I\'ve completed two of the three eBooks, but we still need to coordinate completion.
3. A simple Goodnight text most nights. (This one is craved emotionally, but I know it is just prolonging the pain.)
The first two makes sense...son and financial items...the third one? Lol, you know the answer to that one. I know you crave it but it\'s no good. And even #2 should be emails only. It\'s all up to you though. I\'m speaking from my own experience. At my current state I wouldn\'t imagine texting my ex a good night text or anything like that. I don\'t even want to text her about our daughter anymore, and early on I used to CRAVE conversation with her. I would crawl the walls if she didn\'t respond. Now...I know it\'s better not to contact her and just forgo that nonsense. Taken me 11 months to get here.
You give me hope that it is possible to get there. Thank you.