Rough Night
I couldn't fall asleep again last night, and then to make it worse I got physically ill with vomiting and diarrhea until about 6:00 AM. The good news is the snow storm caused my employer to close the business today, though I had to work remotely and dial in for several meetings. I am wiped out - totally drained physically and emotionally.
I was doing better last week, then another wave of grief hit and many tears were shed.
I also have visitation with my son today, and I asked if I could pick him up last night before the blizzard got bad, but she said no. I texted that it would be much safer than picking him up in the blizzard and she said she expected me to follow the governor's direction and stay off the roads if he had a driving ban - effectively eliminating my visit.
Fortunately, the storm is done and the roads are open now, so I'm going to pick him up at 5:00 anyway.
She did call me today to ask me how to start the snow blower. I had changed the oil and tuned it up for her last month and offered to show her, but she declined. Now she can't start it. I offered to go over and show her today as it is hard to describe from memory on the phone, but then she said she would look it up on the Internet and not to come over.
I've got a crushing headache. I am keeping Gatorade down, and some beef barley soup, so that's good. I think the illness is a culmination of stress and grief, so I don't think I'm contagious, but I'll be careful with my son to be safe.
Little things seem almost insurmountable now. I have to speak at a conference in Boston next week, and I haven't been able to organize my thoughts enough to prepare, so that is adding to the stress.
I can't turn to my ex for any comfort. I'm alone now, so I'll just have to figure this out and get through it, but I sure could use a hug from her, though she has never been particularly affectionate anyway. I'm very physical and like to hug, hold hands and kiss. She is not at all. I guess that's another thing I hope I find in the future.
Rambling... Scattered thoughts and profound sadness.
I was doing better last week, then another wave of grief hit and many tears were shed.
I also have visitation with my son today, and I asked if I could pick him up last night before the blizzard got bad, but she said no. I texted that it would be much safer than picking him up in the blizzard and she said she expected me to follow the governor's direction and stay off the roads if he had a driving ban - effectively eliminating my visit.
Fortunately, the storm is done and the roads are open now, so I'm going to pick him up at 5:00 anyway.
She did call me today to ask me how to start the snow blower. I had changed the oil and tuned it up for her last month and offered to show her, but she declined. Now she can't start it. I offered to go over and show her today as it is hard to describe from memory on the phone, but then she said she would look it up on the Internet and not to come over.
I've got a crushing headache. I am keeping Gatorade down, and some beef barley soup, so that's good. I think the illness is a culmination of stress and grief, so I don't think I'm contagious, but I'll be careful with my son to be safe.
Little things seem almost insurmountable now. I have to speak at a conference in Boston next week, and I haven't been able to organize my thoughts enough to prepare, so that is adding to the stress.
I can't turn to my ex for any comfort. I'm alone now, so I'll just have to figure this out and get through it, but I sure could use a hug from her, though she has never been particularly affectionate anyway. I'm very physical and like to hug, hold hands and kiss. She is not at all. I guess that's another thing I hope I find in the future.
Rambling... Scattered thoughts and profound sadness.
Replies
Unfortunately your ex is only a source of pain now. This is why no contact is essential for healing. I would recommend only discussing your child and the logistics that go with that. You are breaking a habit, and you\'re going to experience withdrawals from your ex. Believe me I know. You have to get in the habit of not turning to her for support and comfort. As time moves on this odds get easier but it\'s extremely difficult early on. I\'m sorry you\'re feeling sick, take care of yourself as best you can. Good luck, I know exactly how your feeling. It\'s been 11 months for me since my wife left after 24 years together. You really just have to relearn and accept your new normal.
Take care.
Coop