Rough Day today

I was sleeping this morning when I was woken up by my phone ringing (this was at 7:45 am).  I answered the phone and much to my surprise it was Heather.  It went downhill from there. Heather asked me to come to Culpeper today.  She had some stuff at the house that she wanted to go over and she wanted me to review and sign a separation order.  We talked some over the phone and it didn't really go anywhere.  I really didn't want to drive 1.5 hours and burn up that much gas to deal with her but she asked me a few times so I finally said okay. I drove up to Culpeper and met Heather at the house.  She looked really good.  We talked about some things at the house and then we began to talk about what is going on.  She said that she just wants to be friends for now.  She doesn't know weither we are going to end up divorced and she doesn't know if we are going to work on things.  She said let's just work on the friendship and see if something grows from there.  For now just be happy with being friends. How can we be friends.  We have been lovers for 7 years.  You don' t just get up one morning and flip a switch and stop loving someone.  I don't work that way. We reviewed the separation papers and everything was in order.  We went to a notary and we signed them (I was almost in tears the whole time).  We then drove back to HER house together. I told her how I felt and I told her, for the millionth time, that I really want to fix things.  I told her that I would leave my job and get a new one and we could move off somewhere and start a new life together.  She said that she didn't want to do anything yet.  She said that she may take me up on the offer to take her out to dinner for her birthday but she doesn't want to set any definate plans.  She told me that I need to build my own life and fix some things on my own now.  She didn't want to be the reason that I stayed in the area and if I find something elsewhere I should take it (but I don't want to do that now....I have a wife I am still married to and I am praying that things work out). Before I left she hugged me.  I slipped up and told her that I love her and she actually said that she loved me (I think that it was just out of habit but it could have been her true feelings that she is trying to hide).  I left and I was so depressed. She wants me to come pick up two cats for her from the Vet on Tuesday and take them back to the house.  I don' t know if I want to do this or not.  I told her that I would but I would really like to avoid this.  I am so torn in every direction.  I guess that I will do it but I can't be at her becond call all of the time (according to family and friends I have always been at her becond call and always given into her). Everything is so open ended it isn't funny.  She is right that our marriage wasn't working right and she is right that we were different.  She is wrong to think that we couldn't work out as a couple.  If we both met half way on issues and we expressed, often, how we felt then we would be okay. I know what I have to do now and it is going to be really hard.  I have to give her space and make her contact me next.  It is going to be so hard to do because I love her so much.  I never realized how much I took her for granted and how much I loved her until she wanted to separate.   Part of me knows that I would be better without her.  She was very demanding to me and she wasn't always there.  I also know that I was probably a hard person to live with.  Why does life have to be so complex and hard? The whole way home I was listening to a very powerful song.  It was a version done by Porter and Stout and it is called "Once I Had."  Here are the lyrics to the song: Once I had a sweetheart, and now I have noneOnce I had a sweetheart, and now I have none She's gone and leaved meShe's gone and leaved meShe's gone and leaved me with sorrow and woe Last night in sweet slumber I dreampt I did seeLast night in sweet slumber I dreampt I did see My own precious jewel sat smiling by meMy own precious jewel sat smiling by me And when I wake up, I found it not soAnd when I wake up, I found it not so My eyes like some fountain, my tears overflowMy eyes like some fountian, my tears overflow *Long guitar and instrumental piece that gets slower then builds* I have traveled England, through France, and through SpainI have traveled England, through France, and through Spain All my life I will travel the watery mainAll my life I will travel the watery main  The song is very pertty and just seeing the lyrics don't do it justice.  It is also very powerful.  It was a very upsetting song but yet it gave me some solice.  The whole part "Once I had a sweetheart, but now I have none" really hits home to me.  I feel that way.  I am lonely and I miss so many of the little things about being with her (I told her a bunch of those things). My parents and a few other family members believe that she "Just wants to have her cake and eat it to."  I believe that she is torn and she doesn't know what she wants.  She wasn't happy with the relationship as it was and she is not sure if she wants to be married to me.   I hate the fact that my plans have all been crushed.  I can no loger plan anything.  I was always a person who planed and looked ahead and now I can't.  It bothers the very core of me that I can't do this. Just sitting back and watching things is not my nature.  I always want to work on things and fix things and I don't have a say in this.   It has been such a draining day, emotionally.  I am filled with depression and sadness but yet a piece of me has a glimmer of hope.  I am still fighting these internal conflicts.  It would certainly be easier on me to just cut my losses and let things end but I know that I would regret it later on. I am so torn.