Rough Day
Friday night my brother-in-law invited me to go to dinner with him and my sister. We met up at Appleby's and had a nice time. I had the chicken quesadilla salad. (It was huge, and delicious) I think it did us all good to get out (and her to be around more than just hubby.)
I do have to work on the actual holidy, but have been off the weekend. I had one or two things I was going to do but never really bothered. I did get laundry and little things here and there but nothing substantial. Today is September 1st and I still have no new insurance cards or even verification. What I do have is the name and number of my new chosen plan so I will carry that as well as Medicare card when I have my postponed foot doctor appt on Tuesday. To me it feels like I am still in the midst of making decisions and continue to worry til all is complete (Yes, that fear of the unknown especially after them forcing me to switch just last week
I did do some stretches and exercises too, but basically spent most of my time just chilling... playing games and doing puzzles on my phone and watching a ton of movies. Some would tell me it's ok to relax, but for me I feel like I have wasted time and should feel guilty. (I was brought up to believe you needed to keep busy every minute and not to waste time relaxing or playing.)
I don't know why I cannot shake this guilt. I have been bombarded with guilt my entire life for so many things. I have come to understand that much of that was because I took on the responsibilty for trying to save a very unhealthy dysfunctional family. I know I am not responsible for them, but will I ever get passed this?
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I love my job and my volunteer work. It’s not like work for me. Certain chores are really hard for me though. I’m confronted with my avoidance behaviors and it is an effort to move forward.
It is your guilt that is causing you so much pain and discomfort. You really need to let it go and free yourself from the chains of guilt. It is not doing you any good, it is not who you truly are, and it is holding you back from being who you really want to be. If you can find the root cause which is the original emotional injury, you can let it go in a variety of ways. Some people will write it down on a piece of paper and have a "Letting go of guilt" party by burning the paper and watching it go up into the sky. Others will say a prayer. The one I say is in the end of chapter 19 of A Course in Miracles text which reads, "Take this from me and look upon it, judging it for me. Let me not see it as a sign of sin and death, nor use it for destruction. Teach me how NOT to make of it an obstacle to peace but let YOU use it for me to facilitate it's coming."
God Bless
Thank you both for your feedback. Bob that prayer does sound like a very good idea. For me it is like a betrayal of who I am (or was). I had no childhood, no permission to ask for help or play.
Years ago when I did briefly wind up in mental health I was told by a very kind counselor that help was there, all I had to do was ask. I could not but he saw my struggle and still did offer me that hand.
Then there was a time in an inpatient ACOA program where I was able to learn alot and share with many others (some who had been through much worse than me) Our last day we had a workshop learning how to have fun...to let go and be silly and simply have fun.... to hug a tree and to jump into a huge pile of gathered leaves. I could do neither. I watched with tears in my eyes as my new friends fell back into the leaves . but just then 2 of them saw my pain and grabbed my hands and pulled me in. It felt so good.
I think this feeling of not belonging or being worthy still haunts me .
It might be a good idea for you to revisit the acoa 12 steps. Do each of them one at a time. Better yet, if they have meetings near you, drop in on one. Get a sponsor and do the steps with her. You will be welcomed with open arms, I am sure. You just need to make a commitment to it....hugs
I was just reading this book which could be very helpful to you in letting go of the guilt and learning to play and be self valuing. Someone else on here recommended it to someone else and that jogged my memory. I have it sitting on my desk as a matter of fact. Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff, PhD.
If we had trauma in childhood, it is etched into our brains and nervous system and bodies. I don't know if this fits for you. Ignore if it doesn't. There is good trauma-focused or trauma-based therapy that can help reorientate our brains so to speak.
I never felt I belonged in childhood and we were criticized a lot. I think differently than most humans and don't fit in. Neither of my parents had emotional maturity and they were kind of stuck in loving the kids but also not loving the kids if that makes sense. I learned to forgive them and be able to love them but I never realized that certain things change our brains in childhood. I personally have to do mantra's daily, 3x a day, for months, and then it clicks in my head. One day, this automatic thinking clicks in to the positive. I can't change my thinking unless I work a program daily so maybe I am slower than most. I had to learn, teach myself, self value and worth. Hugs to you.
I think one of the hardest things is healing from childhood trauma (that includes growing up in a dysfunctional home, loss of a parent when young, growing up in poverty, with alcoholic parents- pick your poison). People talk about “inner child” work in psychology and it always sounded hokey to me until I really started to accept that it was up to me to heal myself. No one can do it for me. It’s really uncomfortable but some of the exercises helped me be able to show more compassion for myself. But it’s not a one time fix. It’s something I have to revisit all the time. Because old habits die hard. If you Google “inner child exercises” there is a lot of info.
I don’t think it’s ever too late to move forward without the chains of the past weighing us down. At some level we know we are worthy. I think you know it too. I mean what would make you not worthy, logically? You are a human being so by definition that makes you worthy. Other people don’t really get to decide our worth. Not family members from 50 years ago and not family members today. Not spouses or ex spouses. Not friends. Not rando people on the internet. Our inner critic just likes to lie to us all the time about how unworthy we are and that everyone else thinks so too. Well, our inner critic is a liar full stop.
I know it’s easier said than done but at some point we really just gotta say fuck it, I just want to be happy, whatever that means. It has nothing to do with finding someone to love or getting fulfillment by only doing things for others. It’s just really knowing you are enough and worthy of simple happiness.
I remember sharing with a therapist something many years ago about my dad. I had siblings much younger than me and it infuriated me how much my dad never followed through with them. Never came when he said he would, always lied to them, made excuses, leave them stranded somewhere, just shit on them constantly. I said, I can take my dad doing that to me when was a kid but not to my siblings. They are just little kids who don’t deserve it. My therapist said something like, but you were a little kid too and you didn’t deserve that either. You got hurt too. I never had someone tell me I didn’t deserve it either. I think I cried for two weeks straight after that session, all the pain of childhood I pushed down for decades was right there like it was yesterday. But it was a real moment of awareness and healing for me. As the saying goes, the only way out is through. It’s hard and uncomfortable but the reward was emotional freedom.
rmb isn't it funny because as I read that I was thinking too- BUT YOU DID NOT DESERVE THAT EITHER. er truly do see and care so much for others because of what we have been through but neglect ourselves ( just as they did) I recall tearing up at Easter as the joy we all were to feel to know Jesus gave his life to save us. (ME too) but why for me. The pastor looked at me and said yes for me too.. He said just as you , that noone could decide our worth and in His eyes we ALL deserve forgiveness and to be happy.
Quite frankly I think if I could I would put a hit out on those negative voices that come from the past (and some messed up family) as well as my own inner critic (would be number #1) If only I could shoot em down before they pop back up again. LOL.
You all have reminded me of a time when I was in patient counseling with other ACOAs. We all got a little book for all our new friends and acquaintances to write messages to us. I need to pull that back up because there I was reminded of just how special I am. Thank you
hasty I do understand the parents loving but not loving us. In our families that is what life was for- to bring children into the world, make a home and raise a family. My mother would give all the love she had to everyone else (but she had none for herself). My dad went to work , came home and had a beer or 2 and relaxed. After she died he fell apart. He would turn to booze instead of his kids. I was convinced my purpose for being here was to pick up where she left off and care for the family.
Dad wound up getting into some very bad situations I won't bother to list. Basically he did abandon us too . Still came home (most of the time) but I believe I could safely say neglected us big time. My kid brother would wind up constantly begging for attention (usually only getting the bad stuff) and would blame and turn on me.
My Dad would wind up in counseling and as a result I did too. When he picked me up he was in tears and gave a big hug and told me he loved me. It meant so very much. I came to understand that both he and my mom were brought up with the same shame and guilt. She was brought up by religious family (in Sunday school every week but 2 from 2 months until 18) She got pregnant and they eloped out of state when he was on leave (she was 2 months pregnant) Dad's mom and dad also eloped when he was on leave (2 months preg) again, out of state. So they had all the stigma and guilt attached.
They did the best they could with what they learned and I cannot fault them for that.
I'll have to check out that book. Thank you
Right! My dad was an alcoholic so some of that is just learning at a very young age to want to make everything ok. My mom was so unhappy in our home, because of my dad so I would do anything to make her happy. In my little kid brain that meant trying to please her, try to mediate arguments, try to smooth everything over to keep the peace. I was like 6-7 and literally would get in between my parents to try to mediate THEIR stuff. It’s so hard to undo that part of when you become an actual adult. I certainly have come a long way but I default to being a people pleaser sometimes. But I’m much better at pumping the breaks on it.
I get wanting to choke out the inner critic, haha! I found the more I worked on my stuff and practiced self compassion that inner critic isn’t as loud or as powerful. Still there once in a while but I just let it run its mouth and then redirect my focus and thoughts on keeping moving forward.
I give your dad props for going to therapy. I know a lot of men particularly of that era aren’t always open to that. I’m glad you got to experience his little bit of growth, for your own healing. I’ve not been in therapy my whole life. I’ve done therapy once after a major illness and then once a few years after. Only went for a few months each time, to address very specific issues I was having. Honestly both experiences (two different therapists) were incredibly helpful to me. Keep the door open for perhaps revisiting counseling. Might be helpful.
Thanks. Actually there was a bit of divine intervention there (I think) Dad was picked up for another DUI and was given the option to spend a night or 2 in jail or do a counseling session . Because of having 2 kids at home (10 and 15) he opted for the counseling. After witnessing his response as he came to take me home I believe that was enough to teach him what and why he turned to booze as well as the effect it had on me (and the rest of the family)