Rough Day..

Tonight was a bit rough and I am off tomorrow I've been thinking about Dave and his last battles before he passed.  Keep hearing him say  "I don't wanna go to the hospital... That's where bad things happen."   flash to his ride where he was once revived but never did really come back.   Tomorrow would have been another anniversary.  While things were not so great between us for years, we did both still care 

Flash forward to last night where I started thinking about my recent "relationship" where I am supported and encouraged. I would hear more great news on his end, and then come to some realizations on my end. I could not stop thinking until I at least said these thoughts out loud.... so I texted them to him.  I was stopped by the "Don't be a victim" speech. You know the one.  It is the one that is intended to stop any past thoughts or future fears.  Yes I know I should "live in the moment".  But the thing is, at this current moment, so much is piling up on me.  I  hear how it is unbecoming and I am better than that....  Well, maybe so, but at this point and time I am hurting and needed to share my thoughts and just have someone say it will be ok.  Instead I got just as I used to get from Dave... just in another format.  I am realizing that many have different ways to acheive their desired outcome. 

So whether it is by shifting the blame and focus of an argument to avoid any responsibility or to simply avoid an uncomfortabl;e or unwanted conversation.....  they do become master manipulators.  I am again on the lookout for someone willing to open up and share with.  I am just having to search a little harder. 

I will say this has helped me to say this out loud and reflect ... on where I am... and WILL BE. 

My mind is again free to focus on the tasks at hand... and where I will inevitably wind up.... as well as possibilities amd options.