Rough Day

A month ago today was the last day that I saw my husband alive.  I spent all day with him.  Although he was in a coma, I knew that he heard me so I would read, pray, talk, listen to music and listen to TV so I did all of this with him.  I made sure he was given a bath and I lotioned his his legs and arms.  I did his exercise and I was surprise to see him move his hands to his chest and he moved his legs.  Early that morning I had a dream or I heard a voice telling me that he had to go and that he was going to die however I had gone into complete denial.  I wanted to ignore all this because I said it was just a dream however something inside me knew that I was going to lose my husband.  I took care of him and refused to leave his side.  I took his hands and told him that he had not touched his face for a long time but I was going to help him do it.  I then took him hand and caress his face and then I took it and had him caress my face and I could not help it but cry because I had this feeling that he was going to leave me.  I still vividly remember this day and I cannot help it but cry.  I miss him so much and wish I could have done things differently.  Why did he have to go?  Why could he not stay longer with me?  Why and why is all that I can ask and I have no answers.  One month ago I was able to touch him and talk to him.  I was able to be there with him, see him and watch him breathe and now I don't have him here with me.  I remember sitting beside him and holding his hands and talking to him telling him how much I love him.  I remember telling him that he need to get better because we had plans together.  If he was alive we would have been leaving for one week to go to Las Vegas.  He had planned this trip with my mom and sister's family.  I had promised him that I was going to take the time off from work to go with him.  My mom and sister left for Vegas today and it hurts because my husband wanted to go on this trip.  Memories is all that I have left.  I have prayed to God to let him come in my dreams and tell me he is okey.  I keep going to his gravesite to talk to him and ask him to be beside me always.  I want to feel him beside me although I cannot see or touch him.  Oh God I need my husband and I love him.  Death is so cruel and it eats up the ones that stay alive.  We have to carry this pain and it never seems to get easier.  How can we continue when our soul mate is gone?  God you are suppose to be love  not pain so why did you cause this pain to me?  Why God please let me understand and maybe then I can accept his death.  I see death as the most cruel and useless act that can happen to someone.  What is accomplished by dying?  What happen to their soul?  Is there really reincarnation?  Do our love ones meet their loves ones that have gone before them?  Are they alone and sad?  I want to know God.  I love my husband why did you take him away?  Life seems so unfair and sad at this time.  Will time help us understand what is the reason for death?  I remember the las t day that I saw him alive and I wonder if he knew that it was the last time we were going to see each other.  Why did he not wake up of the coma so he could tell me goodbye?  Did he hear what I said to him?  Why can't he come in my dream to tell me that he heard me and that he is okey?  Why God?  Why please answer me these questions since it is driving me crazy.  I don't know how long I can continue with this pain.  I am feeling desperate and depressed.  Please God help me to understand?  We all want answers in order to continue.  I seem to have lost my faith in you God and I need to find it.  I need to feel that faith that I had prior to losing my husband.  I need to rely on you but how can I do it when I feel that you failed me?  I prayed so much and yet I feel like I did not get my answer?  Maybe I did but cannot understand it so please help me to understand it.  This pain is consuming me so much that I don't think that I have the strenght to continue.  Please God help me to continue and also tell Carlitos that I love him very much.  Tell him that I miss him and I hope to see him someday.  Tell him that he is the love of my life.  Tell him that I wish I could have been a better wife for him.  Tell him that Life sucks without him.  Tell him that I miss his smile.  Tell him that I miss hearing his laughter and singing around the house.  Tell him his children miss him and they are sad without him.  Tell him God that I love him and miss him so much that I am so sad without him.  Tell him that I wish I could hug him one more time.  Tell him I miss his kisses and hugs.  Tell him that he can come and see me when he wants.  Tell him that he can come in my dreams.  Tell him that everything remains the same as he left it in the house.  Tell him that everynight I sit by his computer and think about him.  Tell hin that I think of him everyday and every minute.  God just tell him he is loved and will never be forgotten.  Give him his angel wings so he can visit me.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Sweet Linda...I\'m so sorry that you have to suffer this awful pain. I am so proud of you and how strong you are! He would be so very proud of you. Hugs and love, Jen
deleted_user
deleted_user

Dear Linda, I wish I knew what to say to lessen the pain. I hope it helps somehow if I tell you that 8 months ago I did not think it possible for my grief to become any less, but it does become a bit more bearable. I\'m beginning to think that it is precisely that love that hurts so much which also enables us to find the strength to go. I also think that if your husband found a way of letting you know that he had to leave you it\'s because he is taking care of you, so you are not alone. Many hugs from Sil
lindalun
lindalun

Dear Sil: Thank you for your kind words. As you said time will help us and make the pain less although it will always be there. Everyone says that he is around me but I don\'t feel him. I love him and miss him so much. Hugs Linda
JudiB
JudiB

This is so heartbreaking to watch yet another widow go through this awful pain. You\'re right when you ask \'why does death have to happen?\' Unfortunately, it just does and there\'s nothing that we can do to change that. As time goes by and we have a chance to begin to heal slightly the memories start to play an important part in that healing. I know in the beginning that these same memories hurt more than they help simply because they are a constant reminder that there will be no more memories to add to our wonderful collection. But gradually, somehow they become treasured and cherished to the point that they begin to mend our broken heart.
You\'re not alone, please know this. I\'m so very sorry for the loss of your husband. Your faith will come back in time. It\'s been 19 months today for me and though my faith has been restored it\'s not completely like it was before. Death changes everything in many ways and causes us to have to begin all over again in every way. But God is good and He understands. Take your time as you begin this journey and do it your way - whatever way is best for you. There are so many people here on DS who are going to take those steps with you and reach out and help in way possible - you can count on this. We also know that there will be times that you will just need to be left alone and we can do that too. Please take of yourself. Hugs and love, Judi