Rollercoster ride
Today I start out with a blog probably not all that inspiring...
I ended up feeling alright for most of the day, doing study, getting out of the house etc.... However I've crashed and burnt this afternoon - feeling hopeless with no direction. Slightly nervous for tomorrow...
I know we have to work hard for the things we want in life - But fighting an emotional battle every day sometimes makes seeing that logic hard... As I've told my partner "I can see logic, I understand it but I can't 'feel' logic...my emotions take an entirely different turn".
I see my Psychologist as I've mentioned Wednesday and my mother is slightly hoping she medicates me (or gets me to the GP to be medicated) .. I'm not sure what I want/need anymore in regards to that.
I know I should see my abilities this semester with university and try my hardest and see the results! then after having my laparoscopy and then in June/July my holiday in Bali with my partner I should assess where I am and if I'm headed in the right direction... Sounds logical doesnt it? Even stick out 12 months and re-assess myself... Logic is all there - but I can't seem to emotionally see it. Hence the need for the Psych I think... So terrified of failure.
I'm going to be honest - I'm terrified for this Laparoscopy tomorrow (on a different note to my seemingly constant career battle) What will they find, what if its bad, what if it's not (right here is where my partner would say "you can't talk about the what if's untill you know!") But like most ladies in my situation finding answers take years and years... my biggest fear is not being able to have children. I'm going to be a little girl right now and say also not having my mother here incase something like that does go wrong...I know I have my wonderful partner, his family and our friends (considering mine are a state away)...but when it's a womans problem who can confort you best other than your mother!
My mother is an amazing woman - she tried for 10 years to have children and due to a blood abnormality she could only have me (my twin died and so did 6 other children she concieved)... she's worried shes passed that onto me and her sister/my aunty has passed on the womanly issues... Shes so strong for me - with my sick father she still manages to hold the family forte and I personally think she needs a medal! Shes been through so much with dads sickness and my mental illness + womanly issues + low immune system over the years, I believe it's enough for her to have her own mental breakdown! But she hasn't - She's kept strong... taking "Each day as it comes, you just deal with one day at a time". Keeping strong must be so hard with her mum/my nan on her death bed just wasting away waiting to die (due to old age, shes 90!)... Sometimes I think how can I whinge, look at what she goes through!
I miss them terribly and I can't wait to have the first load of assessments over and for easter to come as they are coming for 1 week to spend it with me and my partner and his family and our friends!
I think what I need is coping strategies... Hopefully my appointment Wednesday will help me with that!
Thanks again everyone for listening!!
xoxoxo
I ended up feeling alright for most of the day, doing study, getting out of the house etc.... However I've crashed and burnt this afternoon - feeling hopeless with no direction. Slightly nervous for tomorrow...
I know we have to work hard for the things we want in life - But fighting an emotional battle every day sometimes makes seeing that logic hard... As I've told my partner "I can see logic, I understand it but I can't 'feel' logic...my emotions take an entirely different turn".
I see my Psychologist as I've mentioned Wednesday and my mother is slightly hoping she medicates me (or gets me to the GP to be medicated) .. I'm not sure what I want/need anymore in regards to that.
I know I should see my abilities this semester with university and try my hardest and see the results! then after having my laparoscopy and then in June/July my holiday in Bali with my partner I should assess where I am and if I'm headed in the right direction... Sounds logical doesnt it? Even stick out 12 months and re-assess myself... Logic is all there - but I can't seem to emotionally see it. Hence the need for the Psych I think... So terrified of failure.
I'm going to be honest - I'm terrified for this Laparoscopy tomorrow (on a different note to my seemingly constant career battle) What will they find, what if its bad, what if it's not (right here is where my partner would say "you can't talk about the what if's untill you know!") But like most ladies in my situation finding answers take years and years... my biggest fear is not being able to have children. I'm going to be a little girl right now and say also not having my mother here incase something like that does go wrong...I know I have my wonderful partner, his family and our friends (considering mine are a state away)...but when it's a womans problem who can confort you best other than your mother!
My mother is an amazing woman - she tried for 10 years to have children and due to a blood abnormality she could only have me (my twin died and so did 6 other children she concieved)... she's worried shes passed that onto me and her sister/my aunty has passed on the womanly issues... Shes so strong for me - with my sick father she still manages to hold the family forte and I personally think she needs a medal! Shes been through so much with dads sickness and my mental illness + womanly issues + low immune system over the years, I believe it's enough for her to have her own mental breakdown! But she hasn't - She's kept strong... taking "Each day as it comes, you just deal with one day at a time". Keeping strong must be so hard with her mum/my nan on her death bed just wasting away waiting to die (due to old age, shes 90!)... Sometimes I think how can I whinge, look at what she goes through!
I miss them terribly and I can't wait to have the first load of assessments over and for easter to come as they are coming for 1 week to spend it with me and my partner and his family and our friends!
I think what I need is coping strategies... Hopefully my appointment Wednesday will help me with that!
Thanks again everyone for listening!!
xoxoxo
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