Roller Coaster Ride Through Life
I wish I could get off this roller coaster ride. I am so tired of feeling up and down. The ups have never been that up in the past few months and the downs are really down. I hate this bipolar crap and I am never sure how my moods are blamed on the BP, the meds, or its just me as a person feeling like sh*t. I have not gone back to work since my hospitalization last month. I know I SHOULD because I have a decent job....benefits, etc. I just cannot seem to have any desire to go back and I have panic attacks and just an overall sense of uneasiness about it. Is it my fear of failure? Probably. I am harder on myself than anyone else is and I have always been that way. How do I change that? Counseling will maybe help with this DBT therapy, but again, I fear that I will fail and end up more depressed than when I started. I know journaling can help at times, and the fact that someone may read this is comforting as well. I just wish, after 3 1/2 years as being dx with Bipolar and PTSD I could learn to accept it. Now I have had Borderline Personality Disorder added to the list and I feel worse about myself than before. I'm a good mom, but that is about all I feel positive about. I have a relationship with a man, but it is very up in the air and that does cause me a lot of weird feelings. I guess because he does not want a "commitment", but then again, he does not go out with others (except his guy friends) and when the kids are at their dad's we spend most of our time together, so it is good when we are together, but when we are not, I feel so sad, so lost, etc.I wish I knew how to proceed with my employment. I told them I would be back March 1st and that date just looms in my mind all the time and that makes me mad. I wish I could just jump back on the horse and get my life together faster than it is happening.
Replies
Learn to love and spend time with yourself. I\'m dx with borderline paersonality too, and that\'s about all we can do. Some days are harder, and I know all this will pass. We can help each other! I\'m here! I know these feelings!
Omg..I can\'t believe how much we have in common. Truly, you can get better from borderline personality disorder. I feel as if I have in a big way (and so does my therapist so that is a good indicator too...:)) ScarednLonely is right...you HAVE to learn to love and spend time with yourself...I am still learning how to do that successfully. My boyfriend and I are going through a very rough patch and although I want commitment (i.e. marriage), he doesn\'t. He is very distrusting and fears that I would take him for a ride if things didn\'t work out and we divorced. I guess if you are truly happy it shouldn\'t matter if you are married or not...but I have always wanted the white picket fence so to speak. I think I really need to spend some time thinking about whether I want to sacrifice my desires and continue with the relationship (there are MANY more problems of course). I also wanted to tell you that I vacillate from acceptance to denial (well, maybe not flat out denial...but I have a hard time accepting the bipolar) often and I hope some day I will come to terms with it. I was dx at the age of 26 so it\'s been 5 years...but I think I am getting a bit better at dealing with myself. I don\'t know if your job is stressful at all, but I would take my time getting back to it. It will be there for you and I\'m sure you will be successful at it when you are ready to start working again. (That\'s just my opinion...take it for what it\'s worth...) I hope you feel better soon...and don\'t hesitate to send me a message or chat with me...take care! xoxoxo Dina