Roller Coaster Ride Through Life

I wish I could get off this roller coaster ride.  I am so tired of feeling up and down.  The ups have never been that up in the past few months and the downs are really down.  I hate this bipolar crap and I am never sure how my moods are blamed on the BP, the meds, or its just me as a person feeling like sh*t.  I have not gone back to work since my hospitalization last month.  I know I SHOULD because I have a decent job....benefits, etc.  I just cannot seem to have any desire to go back and I have panic attacks and just an overall sense of uneasiness about it.  Is it my fear of failure?  Probably.  I am harder on myself than anyone else is and I have always been that way.  How do I change that?  Counseling will maybe help with this DBT therapy, but again, I fear that I will fail and end up more depressed than when I started.  I know journaling can help at times, and the fact that someone may read this is comforting as well.  I just wish, after 3 1/2 years as being dx with Bipolar and PTSD I could learn to accept it.  Now I have had Borderline Personality Disorder added to the list and I feel worse about myself than before.  I'm a good mom, but that is about all I feel positive about.  I have a relationship with a man, but it is very up in the air and that does cause me a lot of weird feelings.  I guess because he does not want a "commitment", but then again, he does not go out with others (except his guy friends) and when the kids are at their dad's we spend most of our time together, so it is good when we are together, but when we are not, I feel so sad, so lost, etc.I wish I knew how to proceed with my employment.  I told them I would be back March 1st and that date just looms in my mind all the time and that makes me mad.  I wish I could just jump back on the horse and get my life together faster than it is happening.