Roller coaster ride
Boy o boy was that a roller coaster ride or what today. I was in the theater watching When in Rome and I was seeing how beautiful Rome is and was thinking that maybe one day I will see it, then a thought crossed my mind that it is ok if I don't. I have seen the world, my dad took us all over and we have seen so many places. Thanks dad. I was also romantacizing about death. I was thinking that I don't need to see Rome because I have seen so many places already. I was accepting my death again. A fast one maybe...? I just don't want to suffer any longer. I don't mind staying on this earth as long as I do not suffer, but most probably I will suffer. I can believe in Biocentricism, which says that my actions now can affect actions in the past but what can I do now to change things in the past. How do I live this. Maybe if I take the right actions now it will erase the pain the past but I have to go through with them. It is good if I die. I don't think I am ready to do that. I don't know it most probably is anxiety that is keeping me from experiencing that last stage of growth in a human being which is death but I don't know how to face it. I wish I can see the great therapist that I saw once and she agrees on helping me go through this stage. I need a kind hand to guide through this. I might be ready.
Another thing is that my sister might have committed social suicide today by visiting her boyfriend at their family house. Where I live it is very conservative and I believe that the mere visit signals that she is serious and committed to her boyfriend. Not even time will be on her side. If she is late in announcing that she is ready to marry him, people will start spreading rumours about her that she is a slut and going from one guy to another. My parents have been on her case for a while now that she should announce her intentions to the guy and that is driving her crazy. I am worried that she visited her boyfriend today in a show of defiance and rebelion to show that no one will bind her to do anything. She is ready to be "shamed" in front of people than go through this. I feel a little guilty about it because I feel that because I am feeling suicidal and I have no brains anymore, I was not able to protect her from doing this destructive thing. I don't even know if it is destructive or not but I was just so confused and didn't know what to tell her. While approaching his house I sensed that it was not the right thing to do but I think that it was too late. I hope that this won't affect her and she will be able to function well in society even if she is now in defiance. I think that it is good if she leaves him so that she doesn't get wound up by guilt and sorrow. I don't know what is the right thing to do. I wish her luck. I am worried that I pushed her to do it. I said something that maybe it would have been better not to say. I so worried for her. I feel so worried about her. I want her to have a good life I want her to be happy.
Is it right to blame the third world that I am living in? Am I right to blame the conservative and unaware upbringing of my parents? They are providing us shelter and food and they are trying their best although it is pretty misguided? But who am I to say that it is misguided? Maybe it is the right thing to do in these circumstances. Maybe there is a huge cultural divide between me and my parents. I have studied abroad and seen the world and had good growth opportunity. But my parents have travelled too and they still do not treat a girl as they do a boy. I have so many more privilages than my sister just because I am a "man". How cruel is this world? Maybe it is all in my head, but maybe it is all in my head because it is so wrong. I quip about it and say that when a female is born she already is born with a handicap. It is a very cynical view of the world but maybe it is true? I don't know... Someone restore my faith in the human being... I stole that from a cynical cousin of mine who says that she has lost faith in the human being. Fuck it maybe it is right.
Good night everyone!
NEWSFLASH: The incident with my sister might not be very consequential. None of the family remembers meeting my sister and the boyfriend doesn't remember that he introduced her to them so it might only be a friendly greeting to his mother and a polite visit to their house. Good news! Who knew?
Another thing is that my sister might have committed social suicide today by visiting her boyfriend at their family house. Where I live it is very conservative and I believe that the mere visit signals that she is serious and committed to her boyfriend. Not even time will be on her side. If she is late in announcing that she is ready to marry him, people will start spreading rumours about her that she is a slut and going from one guy to another. My parents have been on her case for a while now that she should announce her intentions to the guy and that is driving her crazy. I am worried that she visited her boyfriend today in a show of defiance and rebelion to show that no one will bind her to do anything. She is ready to be "shamed" in front of people than go through this. I feel a little guilty about it because I feel that because I am feeling suicidal and I have no brains anymore, I was not able to protect her from doing this destructive thing. I don't even know if it is destructive or not but I was just so confused and didn't know what to tell her. While approaching his house I sensed that it was not the right thing to do but I think that it was too late. I hope that this won't affect her and she will be able to function well in society even if she is now in defiance. I think that it is good if she leaves him so that she doesn't get wound up by guilt and sorrow. I don't know what is the right thing to do. I wish her luck. I am worried that I pushed her to do it. I said something that maybe it would have been better not to say. I so worried for her. I feel so worried about her. I want her to have a good life I want her to be happy.
Is it right to blame the third world that I am living in? Am I right to blame the conservative and unaware upbringing of my parents? They are providing us shelter and food and they are trying their best although it is pretty misguided? But who am I to say that it is misguided? Maybe it is the right thing to do in these circumstances. Maybe there is a huge cultural divide between me and my parents. I have studied abroad and seen the world and had good growth opportunity. But my parents have travelled too and they still do not treat a girl as they do a boy. I have so many more privilages than my sister just because I am a "man". How cruel is this world? Maybe it is all in my head, but maybe it is all in my head because it is so wrong. I quip about it and say that when a female is born she already is born with a handicap. It is a very cynical view of the world but maybe it is true? I don't know... Someone restore my faith in the human being... I stole that from a cynical cousin of mine who says that she has lost faith in the human being. Fuck it maybe it is right.
Good night everyone!
NEWSFLASH: The incident with my sister might not be very consequential. None of the family remembers meeting my sister and the boyfriend doesn't remember that he introduced her to them so it might only be a friendly greeting to his mother and a polite visit to their house. Good news! Who knew?
Replies