Roller coaster

 
Round and round my head goes. Yesterday was a lake day, so I had to attempt to feed okay-ish in my swimsuit. My kids beg and beg me to go in the water, so I caved and did. All I can feel is the eyes of 1000 people staring at me, wondering why I am wearing a bathing suit. All I do when I look down is see my stomach rolls and my pasty white (fat) thighs and can't wait to cover up. I'm sitting in my house today in a tank top, which I never wear outside of the house. Once I leave the house is a whole other sort of hell. Constantly looking at other women, comparing myself to them (they are always better than me in my book), catching myself in a reflection and noting how awful I look. Forever pulling my shirt down to cover my stomach rolls. Constantly feeling my clothes against my skin, feeling if they are tight or not. If they are tight, it makes me even MORE self-conscious about my body. I tend to layer clothes, like a tank top under my tshirt to cover the bottom half of my stomach and part of my hips. So when I feel self-conscious, I will pull that down.
I started this thing where when I feel bad about a part of my body, I take a picture of it and look at it. Sometimes, I think, "you look like every other woman around", other times it just fuels the self-hatred. Every picture of me, I tear apart, "you can see my stomach", "oh god my arms look so fat", "jesus, enough chins??", "my thighs are enormous". I see older pictures of myself and think of how thin I used to be. Even if it was a couple of months ago, I still think I look worse now than I did then (even if nothing has changed). There are some days where I can manage to only think about it a handful of times. Then there are others where I want to crawl out of my skin and scream because I feel so trapped.
What doesn't help is being broke while looking for a new job. So bills are behind, grocery shopping is sporadic, I've expanded any savings, the job market sucks, and I can't afford a therapist (I still owe money to my previous one from when I went through my divorce) to help me with this.
Never. ENDING!!!! I just wish I could shut my brain off......