Rock n Roll fantasy reality
Went to a concert and had a nice time being out and about at a nice new venue. I noticed an old friend I used to date who is a musician. There were times his friendship really did something special for me as I looked up to him in some very important ways and I found the fact of being involved with him and how nice he was to be incredible. Something happened one night when he was intoxicated and I was sort of in the role of taking care of him, though had my own situation going on and when he talked to me about it he next time I saw him, he seemed really turned off to me. I was really in no position to be looking out for his wellfare in my own state I was intoxicated too. So I had all this shame over this issue. He stopped being friendly to me. One of my friends who'd been with me that night and who knew him too totally defended me to him like she acknowledged that I deserve respect and her defending me really touched me, she knew how to stand up for me in a way I was not capable of. I was not proud of how I acted that night, but somehow having this guy I admired pointing out to me some stuff felt a little blamed and at the time I just took it. After that it was never the same between he and I and I'd see him around and not hang out at all, not say hi, and just feel bad and like it was all me. One time he saw me with an older musician that I really didn't know too well and it colored me in sort of a groupie light to say the least, which was really unlike me. He took a video of us so we did talk then. We were backstage at a concert he was doing. The guy I was with used to be in the same musician role my friend was - same part in the same band. Odd, anyway making me look like maybe I was a sort of stalker for the lead singer I had this long infatuation with, though never mentioned other than being a fan (more about that below). So fast forward years to a few years ago I found him online and made a decent amends and we are in contact from time to time on line, just greetings and stuff, and one night after hearing from me he said he just sent a copy of the video of us to the older musican. It took me a while to remember what it was, it was so many years ago, but I always wondered what happened to that video. It was so neat, it really touched me that yes, I'd been a part of this "scene" in the rock n roll industry and I cried, after having felt that I lost his friendship and just felt really low about it. It touched me so much that I was part of that and that video was around. I said I wanted to see it, anyway never did but long story short I saw him last night. I avoided being noticed and when it was time to walk back by I was ready to be noticed but took a less likely route so he didn't see me and I didn't say hi. I realize I haven't gotten back to being friendly with him after our snafu 10 years ago except online. I felt sad. Of course being 10 years older and having much of my previous identity being on my looks and appoval especially from men, musicians all the more, I was a little concerned - older, heavier, less hip, whatever! I looked in the mirror and I looked good. I looked good enough to say hi to this old rock star friend I used to really have a lot of fun with which turned into this fiasco that hurt me a lot. That drunken night I felt so ashamed, and I am learning in Al Anon I am getting more hope of getting clear in separating my part from his, taking on guilt that didn't belong to me, and just feeling like a door mat. I don't know. I felt sad I didn't say hi and wondered if I could go online and send him a little note I saw him! That seems sort of defeating the purpose. My love addiction issue is a part of all this. I know he is closely associated with someone who I had a really long obsession / infatuation with from a far and did some obsessing over but that never really was part of our relationship, though it adds an element. I never officially met that person I had this infatuation with. I don't know. So it was interesting that the surprize of seeing him came up last night. He is friendly online now, I just didn't even say hi. I'm so shy and insecure and self centered. On the way home I was thinking about all this history stuff. Much ego, fear and resentfulness is involved, amends from an alcoholism perspective as well as from the Al Anon perspective which is taking me a LONG time to look into my issues from a recovered al anon perspective, I have hope!