Rock Bottom.

I have just joined this group and have been browsing through the posts on here. I just wanted to gain some perspetive and some insight on this site. I joined looking for a support group. Despite not being a group kind of man, whatsoever. I am intensely introverted, private, and keep to myself. I never wanted or liked any type of my business out there. Besides, the internet isnt the place for sound guidance.  But I wanted to be anonymous on a site where I could have people surrounded by me, maybe for some accountability that I do not have. Maybe there is someone out there who struggles similary to me. 

I am a male, in my 20's(mentally have always felt so much older and have always been told so), and I am married. I have struggled with a sex addicition for many years. It became the ultimate coping skill. I have, shamefully, and regretedly so, betrayed my wife. Although sex addiciton is not fully recognized in all aspects of the mental health system or even the world, I can attest that it is most evidently true in my case. As for me, it is like living with an oxymoronic type of disease. I am attracted to the brain. I have never been attracted to someones body. Bodies do not attract me whatsoever. Someone's intelligence is really what reels me in. It captivates me and draws me in. Having a sex addicition to most seems like I am just some sex crazed maniac who just wants to bang everything in site. But I can certaintly attest, once again, that is not the case. I have never been atrtacted to anyone I have ever been with. I do not rememebr names, faces, or even experiences. Someone who has a one night stand for fun, remembers it. They seek it out. As for me, I just do it as a coping skill.. something that I literally have such a hard time stopping. There is nothing fun about it. Ever.

As for me, having an addiciton is like a tornado. I know the tornado is going to destroy everything in its path, and despite knowing the destruction, I keep going back. I do not engage with people because I want sex. I never liked or even enjoyed any encounter I have ever had. I am so used to just having sex in my life. An addicition, essentially, is something people gravitate towards when they are feeling lonely, irritated, depressed, unworthy, angry, etc. The addicition is what numbs the feeling. Any time I come close to feeling too much, I cannot bare it. Most sex addicts describe not being able to function without it in their life. It is the same way for me. I act out compulsively, and severely regret my decisions; every single time. An alcoholic will continously stay drunk to avoid the underlying difficult emotions that demads to be felt. So instead, he intoxicates himself to numb the pain. This addiciton has been fatal to my marriage. It has destroyed my wife. Living with this addicition is like living with insanity. I keep doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting to get a different result. I do not like, nor enjoy, wasting people's time. I despise when people do it to me, and I cannot bare to continously do this to my wife. 

If there is anyone who struggles with a sex addiciton, people who genuinely think it is a REAL addicition, and not just someone who uses it as an excuse to have sex, then I am open to hearing your struggles.