Road to Recovery
I have been beating myself up for all that has happened between my husband and I. I have taken full responsibility of everything. I feel a lot of it was my fault but I had a complete breakdown on Sunday. I let everything out, almost like a victim... But after I was done, I didn't feel like a victim but a survivor.
Let me explain the feelings I've been holding onto has left me hopeless, confused, frustrated, hurt and angry but most of all scared. Scared of not knowing anything about anything. However, I decided as of yesterday morning (Monday), I will not allow anyone to control my feelings or direction in life. I choosing to work on my happiness. I choose to not worry or be paranoid. This is definitely going to be a challenge for me because the lack of control of what my husband does- does frighten me. But I have to be willing to accept the fact that he is trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.
The road to recovery isn't going to be easy but fighting it only will make it longer and more dreadful. I don't want that... I want him to know I love him but his behavior is unacceptable. And to know this CAN NOT happen again. There will be no next time. There will be no reconciliation.
Let me explain the feelings I've been holding onto has left me hopeless, confused, frustrated, hurt and angry but most of all scared. Scared of not knowing anything about anything. However, I decided as of yesterday morning (Monday), I will not allow anyone to control my feelings or direction in life. I choosing to work on my happiness. I choose to not worry or be paranoid. This is definitely going to be a challenge for me because the lack of control of what my husband does- does frighten me. But I have to be willing to accept the fact that he is trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.
The road to recovery isn't going to be easy but fighting it only will make it longer and more dreadful. I don't want that... I want him to know I love him but his behavior is unacceptable. And to know this CAN NOT happen again. There will be no next time. There will be no reconciliation.
Replies
My husband has been in an outpatient rehabilitation after testing dirty for meth. What a blessing. He has been receiving the best treatment possible and he is doing everything in his power to turn his life around. I am very proud of him. He talks about not only healing and dealing with his addiction while understanding the layers that are peeling back to expose the true issues of the road which lead him to his addiction. The only problem is I have put myself on the back burner so he can successfully go through treatment. This has been about him. And I have been put on the back burner for so long that what is another few months or until his treatment is settling to completely understand the dynamics of his issues. However, for me I am dealing with all of the ugly emotions which he has conditioned me. I am left to deal with the infidelity, lies, manipulation and deceit. I am trying to keep from my emotions getting in the way of his recovery but some days is extremely difficult or impossible. I am struggling with these feelings and seem to not filter my feelings appropriately. He has explained he can not deal with the infidelity at this point and is very sorry for that. I believe him but it still leaves me feeling hopeless, lonely, hurt and neglected.
Tonight we have family night at his rehabilitation center.. Maybe I can address some of this without fulling exposing the infidelity in hopes to get feedback on how to handle this situation. I do not feel I need treatment alone for treatment as a couple to cope with the devastating effects of his actions.
Sometimes I just want to get in my car and leave... hide, runaway... But that is not the answer. I feel like I am living with a double edge sword... Dare not bring the issue up because of his reaction and live with the emotional termoil of the emotional and mental affects. It is not only frustrating and aggravating for I\'m extremely hurt.. There are no words to really describe how the pain and hurt is affecting me.
I just hope as the day goes on I can get rid of these feelings.