RIght...new cycle new hope
SO I am writing this at 7am on a Monday morning...after crying my eyes out all night. They are almost swollen shut and I have the mother of all headaches. I somehow have to summon up the courage to face the work day now..including the general public, demanding worried wells and even worse...the grateful, smiling cancer patients on whom I will inevitably find yet another cancer growth that they don't know about. It is these patients who make me feel the worst-here I am in wallowing in my own misery whilst they are living on borrowed time and almost always being polite courteous and at times even quite funny during their time at my practice.
My husband and I have had probably the worst rollercoaster of a cycle. I guess I should probably be grateful that it didn't work out this time. It was only my third on clomid and days 1-10 were fine. Day 10 bloods indicated that my oestrogen was at the right levels. Day 12 scan showed no really big maturing follicles. On the way out of the room, the doctor (not my fertility specialist) made an offhand comment about my PCOS-whic I have never been diagnosed with...ever! When I questioned her on this, she replied-oh yeah the clomid will bring out these underling conditions..and that was it. No more questions, she was out of the room and off to probe her next patient. I was in tears (you will find that this is a common theme for me!) on the phone to my husband, who s a doctor...I relayed verbatim what this doctor had told me. The next day (after a sleepless night!) I asked my friends at work to scan me (I am a radiographer and my friends are sonographers and scan my ovaries on a daily basis during suspected ovulation times) they had a look and were absolutely certain that I didn't have PCOS. Later that day when the nurse rang to relay my latest blood work, she told me I would have misunderstood the big medical words the doctor had been using..
Onwards and upwards....the following day, after an angry email to the fert specialists from my husband, my actual fertility doctor rand me at 8:45pm on a friday night and said in a panicked voice that we should TTC that very moment as she thought I had already ovulated!! Ok....whatever....did anyone really know what was going on??? Then a few days later after blood tests to look at my progesterone, I recieve a TEXT message saying "ovulation unlikely best wishes". SO inhumane!!
After another angry email and finally a meeting, it was decided that I should have a HCG injection...but only after I implored the doctor to have yet another look at my ovaries as my friends had seen a large follicle that very morning...she did and agreed that the HCG would promote ovulation. Blood tests later that week indicated I had actually ovulated which brings us almost up to date.
I was so convinced that I had conceived....I was nauseous, bloated and tired. But when I couldn't stand the tension any longer, I tested and of course it was negative...I Started spotting yesterday and the PMS is unbearable. I will get my period properly today. I am devastated. But am determined not to keep doing what I am doing. I have completely shut my husband out-and don't want to speak to anyone except my laptop. This isn't going to do any good so I am going to try my best to let him in and allow him to be disappointed as well.
I am also going to pick myself up and keep on going. It is just a minor setback. We are approaching this new cycle with a newer better plan and I am going to make the choice to write here on most days and try and take positive steps instead of constantly being negative. Right...that is all off my chest and I need to let it go. I am now ready to go to work and have a good day.....here goes......
My husband and I have had probably the worst rollercoaster of a cycle. I guess I should probably be grateful that it didn't work out this time. It was only my third on clomid and days 1-10 were fine. Day 10 bloods indicated that my oestrogen was at the right levels. Day 12 scan showed no really big maturing follicles. On the way out of the room, the doctor (not my fertility specialist) made an offhand comment about my PCOS-whic I have never been diagnosed with...ever! When I questioned her on this, she replied-oh yeah the clomid will bring out these underling conditions..and that was it. No more questions, she was out of the room and off to probe her next patient. I was in tears (you will find that this is a common theme for me!) on the phone to my husband, who s a doctor...I relayed verbatim what this doctor had told me. The next day (after a sleepless night!) I asked my friends at work to scan me (I am a radiographer and my friends are sonographers and scan my ovaries on a daily basis during suspected ovulation times) they had a look and were absolutely certain that I didn't have PCOS. Later that day when the nurse rang to relay my latest blood work, she told me I would have misunderstood the big medical words the doctor had been using..
Onwards and upwards....the following day, after an angry email to the fert specialists from my husband, my actual fertility doctor rand me at 8:45pm on a friday night and said in a panicked voice that we should TTC that very moment as she thought I had already ovulated!! Ok....whatever....did anyone really know what was going on??? Then a few days later after blood tests to look at my progesterone, I recieve a TEXT message saying "ovulation unlikely best wishes". SO inhumane!!
After another angry email and finally a meeting, it was decided that I should have a HCG injection...but only after I implored the doctor to have yet another look at my ovaries as my friends had seen a large follicle that very morning...she did and agreed that the HCG would promote ovulation. Blood tests later that week indicated I had actually ovulated which brings us almost up to date.
I was so convinced that I had conceived....I was nauseous, bloated and tired. But when I couldn't stand the tension any longer, I tested and of course it was negative...I Started spotting yesterday and the PMS is unbearable. I will get my period properly today. I am devastated. But am determined not to keep doing what I am doing. I have completely shut my husband out-and don't want to speak to anyone except my laptop. This isn't going to do any good so I am going to try my best to let him in and allow him to be disappointed as well.
I am also going to pick myself up and keep on going. It is just a minor setback. We are approaching this new cycle with a newer better plan and I am going to make the choice to write here on most days and try and take positive steps instead of constantly being negative. Right...that is all off my chest and I need to let it go. I am now ready to go to work and have a good day.....here goes......
Replies
Hang in there. I know it hard to see the silver lining but be thankful for what you do have and keep positive and cautiously optimistic with each cycle. Think of how lucky you are to have a life ahead of you.
So have they diagnosed you or your husband with anything? I went for months on clomid for low progesterone,a scope,and HSG, ultrasounds and blood work, only to find out that my hubby\'s count was very low and motility was not good.
You don\'t sound confident in your fertility specialist.. Have you thought if going elsewhere?
Hugs!
Ah thanks...nope nothing wrong with the husband....or me really...except that I don\'t ovulate. Everything looks fine and all.blood work is normal. Ya would love to change specialist but NZ is a very small.country and we are.limited.in.choice. In all fairness my doc is pretty good..it is just the one that does the scanning.who isn\'t great. We are going to request a differnt one for.the scan this time round. I hope I didn\'t come across feeling sorry for myself...just venting and.now I.have let it go I can move forward.: )
I have been there many times. Crying, feeling and looking like hell the next day, and them feeling stupid for feeling so blue. I can say with confidence that those high spirited cancer patents have all had their moments as well. That is why they can be so kind and have a good attitude. Everyone needs to grieve their own pain. And cancer isn\'t worse. What is hard for you is your worst. It\'s ok to be upset.
So sorry that you had so much confusion and stress. I hope things move forward much easier for you. I\'m happy to hear you are ready to plunge forward. Hang in there and keep at it!
HUGS! Wow. You went through so much this last cycle.
Was this your first month with the HCG trigger shot? I had my first experience a few months ago and like you, had convinced myself that I was pregnant. It didn\'t dawn on me till weeks later that \"duh - all those symptoms were a result of the trigger shot\"
I hope this next cycle is better for you!
Hang in there!!
Ha ha thanks 123Abbey-yes it was the first trigger shot. This time around we are going all in with an increased dose of 150mg clomid, trigger HCG shot and daily bloods. I have also booked in to see an acupuncturist as well...hopefully this will give me a fighting chance!! Thanks for all the lovely comments and uplifting remarks....it was literally only due to these comments that I was able to function at work all day today....tomorrow can only get better!