Revisiting the trauma
The 4 week lead up to the 2 year anniversary has begun, I'm reliving every moment of my Mum's last 4 weeks in hospital, and all that trauma, that I kidded myself I'd dealt with, has consumed me again.
I went through this last year in the lead up to the anniversary, it was terrifying, and I never thought I would have to go through that again. Little did I know. I am beginning to realise that I may well go through this again and again and again for many years...
Everything about this time of year reminds me now that Mum's death is approaching...even though she's been dead for almost 2 years - it's the strangest feeling. The touch of Autumn in the Summer breeze, the Tibouchina tree in my back yard starting to bloom, my husband's birthday...all reminding me....and I feel like my Mum is back in those hospital beds, crazy, terrified, sick...dying..
It all happened so fast with Mum. She had been unwell for months before she died, but had suffered with her autoimmune disease for almost 8 years - we never imagined it would kill her. In October she went on holiday to Hawaii and returned very tanned - we didn't imagine it was jaundice from her failing liver. We were painting her house getting it ready to sell, talking about the new baby girls that were coming into the family, and Mum was still working full time. The week before she ended up in hospital she was looking into sick leave etc. and knew she was in trouble.
Looking back I think Mum sensed for months, I think we both had an intuitive sense that maybe our time together was going to end sooner than we had imagined. We were planning to build a granny flat here on our block so she could live with us. We talked of bringing all of our imagined overseas travel together forward, and one day when I sensed Mum didn't want me to go home - she told me how much she loved me and that she didn't know how she got so lucky to have me as her daughter - through tears. It scared me, because as much as Mum and I loved each other it wasn't like her to be so openly sentimental. I think I knew then that things were much worse than I thought.
Mum was in hospital for 27 days. 4 ambulances, 3 hospitals, 5 wards, High Dependency Unit, Transplant ward, and finally Intensive Care. I was with her everyday, for every meal, every conversation with Doctors, Nurses, Specialists, Social workers, I just wanted to be with her every second. I had to leave her at nights, being near the end of my pregnancy with a 3 year old at home, and every night I had to tear myself from her and literally run from the room, to stop myself from turning around and staying with her. She didn't deserve to be left alone in those awful wards, awake, scared, confused, uncared for.....these are the things that haunt me the most. The mornings when I would get in there and find her in the worst state...my beautiful Mum..
Before Mum went in to hospital she was a National Education Manager for an Apple Computer Reselller, fiercely intelligent, a member of Mensa, and all round incredibly strong, beautiful woman. Her failing liver gave her a condition known as encephalopathy which is a bit like dementia with hallucinations etc. she was not herself at all for most of those 27 days - only glimpses of Mum. I think she was ridden off by a lot of the medical staff because of her mental state. I would make a 5am call to the wards each mornning to check on Mum, and one morning the nurse came on the line to tell me that Mum had been saying that she could see ghosts all night - and was this normal for Mum??!!!!! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. When I got in there she was terrified, had been kept awake all night with these hallucinations, and wouldn't let go of my hand. I spent the morning explaining her condition to her nurse who had no idea that she had it. And this was in High dependancy with 1 on 1 nursing.
Thankfully when she reached the transplant ward at RPA she had her own room, and some of the most beautiful nurses who were all too familiar with her condition and for the most part kept Mum feeling safe. The worst night was 5 nights before she died, the hospital called me in at 9pm to say Mum was refusing to take any meds or let anyone on her room, and if they couldn't get at least her antibiotics in she could die - she had bad pneumonia at the time. I drove in with Dad and when I saw Mum she wouldn't let me in the room. She told me she didn't trust me anymore and I couldn't come in. I was able to talk her into letting the nurses in to take her meds, but she was still really cross with me and insisted I leave without letting me near her. It was and still is one of the most heartbreaking memories. I wish I could erase it because Mum would be devastated, I know it wasn't her talking just her illness, but we never got to say goodbye, or say anything to each other really for that whole month, apart from a lot of nonsense. I try to hold on to the few rare lucid moments we shared, where we did at least get to tell each other how much we loved each other.
Almost 2 years on and I am rarely able remember Mum as she was, and as we were to each other, before this last month. I seem to be stuck in the trauma and memories of her death. I hope after processing more of this trauma over the next 4 weeks, and reaching the 2 year anniversary, I will be able to move forward in some small way, onto some good memories.
Love you Mum
xxx
I went through this last year in the lead up to the anniversary, it was terrifying, and I never thought I would have to go through that again. Little did I know. I am beginning to realise that I may well go through this again and again and again for many years...
Everything about this time of year reminds me now that Mum's death is approaching...even though she's been dead for almost 2 years - it's the strangest feeling. The touch of Autumn in the Summer breeze, the Tibouchina tree in my back yard starting to bloom, my husband's birthday...all reminding me....and I feel like my Mum is back in those hospital beds, crazy, terrified, sick...dying..
It all happened so fast with Mum. She had been unwell for months before she died, but had suffered with her autoimmune disease for almost 8 years - we never imagined it would kill her. In October she went on holiday to Hawaii and returned very tanned - we didn't imagine it was jaundice from her failing liver. We were painting her house getting it ready to sell, talking about the new baby girls that were coming into the family, and Mum was still working full time. The week before she ended up in hospital she was looking into sick leave etc. and knew she was in trouble.
Looking back I think Mum sensed for months, I think we both had an intuitive sense that maybe our time together was going to end sooner than we had imagined. We were planning to build a granny flat here on our block so she could live with us. We talked of bringing all of our imagined overseas travel together forward, and one day when I sensed Mum didn't want me to go home - she told me how much she loved me and that she didn't know how she got so lucky to have me as her daughter - through tears. It scared me, because as much as Mum and I loved each other it wasn't like her to be so openly sentimental. I think I knew then that things were much worse than I thought.
Mum was in hospital for 27 days. 4 ambulances, 3 hospitals, 5 wards, High Dependency Unit, Transplant ward, and finally Intensive Care. I was with her everyday, for every meal, every conversation with Doctors, Nurses, Specialists, Social workers, I just wanted to be with her every second. I had to leave her at nights, being near the end of my pregnancy with a 3 year old at home, and every night I had to tear myself from her and literally run from the room, to stop myself from turning around and staying with her. She didn't deserve to be left alone in those awful wards, awake, scared, confused, uncared for.....these are the things that haunt me the most. The mornings when I would get in there and find her in the worst state...my beautiful Mum..
Before Mum went in to hospital she was a National Education Manager for an Apple Computer Reselller, fiercely intelligent, a member of Mensa, and all round incredibly strong, beautiful woman. Her failing liver gave her a condition known as encephalopathy which is a bit like dementia with hallucinations etc. she was not herself at all for most of those 27 days - only glimpses of Mum. I think she was ridden off by a lot of the medical staff because of her mental state. I would make a 5am call to the wards each mornning to check on Mum, and one morning the nurse came on the line to tell me that Mum had been saying that she could see ghosts all night - and was this normal for Mum??!!!!! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. When I got in there she was terrified, had been kept awake all night with these hallucinations, and wouldn't let go of my hand. I spent the morning explaining her condition to her nurse who had no idea that she had it. And this was in High dependancy with 1 on 1 nursing.
Thankfully when she reached the transplant ward at RPA she had her own room, and some of the most beautiful nurses who were all too familiar with her condition and for the most part kept Mum feeling safe. The worst night was 5 nights before she died, the hospital called me in at 9pm to say Mum was refusing to take any meds or let anyone on her room, and if they couldn't get at least her antibiotics in she could die - she had bad pneumonia at the time. I drove in with Dad and when I saw Mum she wouldn't let me in the room. She told me she didn't trust me anymore and I couldn't come in. I was able to talk her into letting the nurses in to take her meds, but she was still really cross with me and insisted I leave without letting me near her. It was and still is one of the most heartbreaking memories. I wish I could erase it because Mum would be devastated, I know it wasn't her talking just her illness, but we never got to say goodbye, or say anything to each other really for that whole month, apart from a lot of nonsense. I try to hold on to the few rare lucid moments we shared, where we did at least get to tell each other how much we loved each other.
Almost 2 years on and I am rarely able remember Mum as she was, and as we were to each other, before this last month. I seem to be stuck in the trauma and memories of her death. I hope after processing more of this trauma over the next 4 weeks, and reaching the 2 year anniversary, I will be able to move forward in some small way, onto some good memories.
Love you Mum
xxx
Replies
i feel for you because when my mom was in the hospital for 6 wks, i think i must have blocked everything and thought, had NO DOUBT, that she would come home and live with me, that was the plans. she never came home from the hospital, never came to live with me. its been 2 yrs june 9th since my mom passed, the first year was excruciating pain etc. the 2nd year REALITY hit in, everything came back all over again and I, too, will go thru this yr after yr for the rest of my life. I\'m moving thruuuuuuuu it but those words that ppl say to me to move on not EVER will i move on, i hate those words. i, myself, don\'t think it gets any better; sometimes i feel its getting worse at times. AGAIN, the seasons are going by so fast, the HOLIDAYS I wish were no more. I miss her so much and to me it just seems harder so I do know what you feel and I feel for you too. tc laura