Revised.

  
I know you don't check email, so sorry for the long text.           
 
 It's not being busy, it's all the time we could have used to keep mending going, and you didn't. 
 
Friday night. You leave. I don't hear from you the entire 3 hour trip to Chicago, even though I was up. Just a 50 second call when you go there? Sure you were tired.. ok that's an excuse when you got there. Ok you needed space during the drive or whatever other excuse needs to be inserted there.
 
Then nothing in the morning... not even a text to say you were taking off even if I wasn't awake. Fine, insert excuse there that it was early even though the plane was delayed. Then when you are taking off again after the connection it's "Take care"?? That's a huge red flag.
 
Then the baggage claim. You were there TWO hours, then after a less than 10 minute call,  you wanted to sleep for another hour. When you said you had time, I was excited that it could be a real conversation, not the obligatory logistics one. 
 
I get a photo of the members, I'm conversing with you, restoring the tattered remains of trying to feel like we really are teammates, even planning something for us, try to soothe myself by not being in the house.
 
 I told you I put my phone on ring if you wanted to call after the orientation.. you never called. I was up until 4 AM, making time for you because I knew it was busy. I felt pretty rejected when there was nothing. 
 
 I wanted so much to find out your take on the evening's events. But you didn't appear to want to share with me, you didn't even write an email, text, call. I've made myself available at any point, to work around you because I know it's busy, but I don't feel like you are trying on your end. This is really starting to sting. It feels like you really did want to leave me behind, which is not what you said to me. 
 
I initiate contact the next morning..... at 9 AM. (7 AM there) You text some, you keep saying you'll tell me something later, but never, not an email, not a text, not a phone call. I can't get any feeling that you are doing nothing but 'checking in' to keep me satiated.
Then you're gone again. Sure it's a busy day, but I would have really liked a thank you for the hard work on the dresser, not just a good job like I did an art project. I wanted your appreciation. I spent from 10 AM - 8:30 pm minus a 30 minute bath and 2.5 hours to go to Laura's doing stuff for you, because I'm trying to build us, even if logistically.
 
Then it's a slap that it's no big deal if I miss the video? I came home, stopped what I was doing, logged in 20 minutes early just so I wouldn't miss it. And it's no big deal? Do you care that I did everything I could and got it to work in a nick of time? It really felt like you would have rather I just didn't. 
 
Then you give a shout out to the kids, I'm sure they thought that was cool. 
 
Does anyone even know I exist? Everyone else mentions their 'others'... oh wait. Joanna is watching. Or is the excuse "I didn't know you made it" come in here? This is exactly what I mean about feeling like you've put me in my box and telling me to stay there instead of being a normal couple who would be happy to acknowledge each other when everyone else is and it's a really big thing you're excited about.
 
From 9:20 - 9:36 nothing. You said you were talking to the kids, but you could have sent a 'one sec' or busy or whatever. Even after the call, hey sorry, I was talking to the kids, now I'm going to listen to them. But instead after that you just said you are supposed to watch the others in your formal tone. That just felt like a brick wall, a dismissal, condescending. Only when I tell you that's an excuse for not responding, then you say you talked to the kids.
 
Then when it took swallowing the bile of anger of being ignored and put in my box I put that you did great, and you return with a sarcastic I love you too. I can see this because I didn't say it first. 
 
Someone who is 'in' makes time. There has been multiple missed opportunities to act like you are 'in' and it doesn't really feel like you decided to be in with me. The way you communicate is foreign, not my teammate. It stings. I'm angry that I'm still in the box, that the fact that the kids or Joanna is 'there' means I don't exist. Before you start down that path of "just because I didn't text when you wanted......"  it's so much more, it's missing you, wanting to know that you really did decide to be in, trying to struggle to pick myself up and do constructive things for us, and then not seeing the reciprocal.  Is it there?
 
Before you left, you said we would get chances to talk at night or in the morning, what happened?
 
I really want you to enjoy and benefit from this time. I really wish it didn't have to be that you have to blockade me and keep me in a box to do it. That is what I said I cannot have, and I have no way now to even communicate that to you because you won't find the time or way to communicate, make room for me, instead it appears to be a running list of excuses however they might be true. 
 
 
 
 
Thank you for at least calling, I couldn't help but notice you said nothing about the Joanna thing. I hit that one right on the head didn't I? Damn it. That doesn't happen. Period. She is kicked out. She doesn't matter! 
 
Fuck you for making me the crazy one, the demanding one, the one who needs, fuck you for making me be the bitch to make any change.