Revenge

I have plotted a billion revenge plots in my head in the last ten months.  Some were as outlandish as they get, some were more violent than I thought I'd ever consider, and some were so conniving and sneaky and devious and evil that no matter how wrong they were, I had to pat myself on the back for creativity and cleverness.
No... I have not followed through with any.  None would bring any long term gratification.  I still want the OW to hurt as much as I have.  I want EVERYTHING to be taken from her as it was taken from me.  I want worse than that for her.  But I don't want to be the one to do it.  I just want the hand of God to come down and slap the crap out of her.
I know some of this is normal.  I know some of it is immature.  I know some of it will fade in time.  (Maybe all?) I also know that it feels better just thinking about revenge plots.  Most of the time.
Lately something came up that stirred up hatred again.  I so badly want to send the emails she sent to my husband to her father.  Every.  Last.  One.  I want her daddy dearest to know what a skanky whore his daughter is.  It is the only vengeance that feels appropriate.  It is the only revenge that has felt like it might salve some wounds.
I won't.  I've held on to these emails for this long, why would I bother smacking the wasp's nest now?  But I often wonder if doing this one childish, stupid thing would lift this from my chest. 
Guess I'm just in a "comparing" mood tonight which stirs up all sorts of hatred.  I hate that she's so much younger.  So much prettier.  So much skinnier (OK not THAT much skinnier), so much more accomplished with her career and life goals.  I want someone to sit with me and hold my hand and say, "She has an ugly nose.  Her boobs are too small.  She smells bad - even your H. said that!  Her children will NEVER adore and love her - or even know her the way yours know and love you.  She will never have a fulfilling relationship.  She will never be truly happy.  She will never feel "good enough" no matter what she accomplishes."
I guess maybe that's what this post is.  Me holding my own hand and saying those things.  It may not be as constructive as building myself up and putting her out of my mind, but it's what I need right now.

Replies

znzsmom
znzsmom

((((allora)))) We\'ve all been there. Everything you told yourself is 100% accurate. It doesn\'t matter what she\'s done in her career or how she looks on the outside. She\'s rotten and ugly to the core on the inside. God will deal with her. Just trust Him to do that and free yourself from the hatred. I know how hard it is BELIEVE me; I\'m still releasing myself! This will get better. Just remember how much God loves you and thinks that you are His perfect creation!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Allora-( a beautiful name by the way) Yes , we have all been there. It has been 9 mo since dday and my H has worked hard to save our M. We have both learned through this painful journey, but not matter how sweet and good he is to me when I get in those vengeful moods, nothing can take it away. I have thought some terrible , violent, hateful things to do to the OW. I can have so much hate, I scare myself. It\'s ok to think these thoughts. You were betrayed and hurt deeply and trying to build trust is frightening. I found that when I get too trusting, I back off and put up the wall and start obsessing again.
I read somewhere that comparing ourselves to the Ow or to anyone does us no good because someone else is always going to have or be something we don\'t, just as you have unique qualities that others will never have. My H told me it wasn\'t about the OP, it could have been anyone who paid him attention. He was lacking self love.
I have found if I journal and write everything down I want tohappen to her, then go back and read it later, I feel better. When I have a clear mind and look at my life today. I shred it up and try to use that energy towards a positive action for myself.
You are not alone-sending support Olive
deleted_user
deleted_user

You ladies said very well....we all been there and it is very hard.
Hugs to all of you
Allora
Allora

Thank you all. Yes, I used to journal my devious plans with every detail planned out. I used to write her unsent letters telling her how terribly she has made me feel. I have written stories galore.

I miss my \"real\" blog. I miss my readers and blog friends. But I do NOT feel safe there at all. I hate that it\'s one more thing I\'ve let her take from me.

Things between my husband and I are better than they have been in years, in spite of the occasional blinding rage and dark depression I still experience.

Other friends do not get why I do not take this rage/anger/frustration/disappointment out on my H. It\'s not that I don\'t hold him accountable, but some of the emotional stuff I\'m experiencing would only be damaging to take out on him. I share it with him, still, but sharing doesn\'t seem to purge those feelings thoroughly enough.

I\'m so grateful I found DS. I\'m so grateful that I don\'t feel like I have to go through this alone, anymore.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Well you can always post that email on here, and we\'d be happy to give you our support, and snarky comments, lol! We\'re getting realy good at getting to be snarky girls after all this! lol