Revenge
I have plotted a billion revenge plots in my head in the last ten months. Some were as outlandish as they get, some were more violent than I thought I'd ever consider, and some were so conniving and sneaky and devious and evil that no matter how wrong they were, I had to pat myself on the back for creativity and cleverness.
No... I have not followed through with any. None would bring any long term gratification. I still want the OW to hurt as much as I have. I want EVERYTHING to be taken from her as it was taken from me. I want worse than that for her. But I don't want to be the one to do it. I just want the hand of God to come down and slap the crap out of her.
I know some of this is normal. I know some of it is immature. I know some of it will fade in time. (Maybe all?) I also know that it feels better just thinking about revenge plots. Most of the time.
Lately something came up that stirred up hatred again. I so badly want to send the emails she sent to my husband to her father. Every. Last. One. I want her daddy dearest to know what a skanky whore his daughter is. It is the only vengeance that feels appropriate. It is the only revenge that has felt like it might salve some wounds.
I won't. I've held on to these emails for this long, why would I bother smacking the wasp's nest now? But I often wonder if doing this one childish, stupid thing would lift this from my chest.
Guess I'm just in a "comparing" mood tonight which stirs up all sorts of hatred. I hate that she's so much younger. So much prettier. So much skinnier (OK not THAT much skinnier), so much more accomplished with her career and life goals. I want someone to sit with me and hold my hand and say, "She has an ugly nose. Her boobs are too small. She smells bad - even your H. said that! Her children will NEVER adore and love her - or even know her the way yours know and love you. She will never have a fulfilling relationship. She will never be truly happy. She will never feel "good enough" no matter what she accomplishes."
I guess maybe that's what this post is. Me holding my own hand and saying those things. It may not be as constructive as building myself up and putting her out of my mind, but it's what I need right now.
No... I have not followed through with any. None would bring any long term gratification. I still want the OW to hurt as much as I have. I want EVERYTHING to be taken from her as it was taken from me. I want worse than that for her. But I don't want to be the one to do it. I just want the hand of God to come down and slap the crap out of her.
I know some of this is normal. I know some of it is immature. I know some of it will fade in time. (Maybe all?) I also know that it feels better just thinking about revenge plots. Most of the time.
Lately something came up that stirred up hatred again. I so badly want to send the emails she sent to my husband to her father. Every. Last. One. I want her daddy dearest to know what a skanky whore his daughter is. It is the only vengeance that feels appropriate. It is the only revenge that has felt like it might salve some wounds.
I won't. I've held on to these emails for this long, why would I bother smacking the wasp's nest now? But I often wonder if doing this one childish, stupid thing would lift this from my chest.
Guess I'm just in a "comparing" mood tonight which stirs up all sorts of hatred. I hate that she's so much younger. So much prettier. So much skinnier (OK not THAT much skinnier), so much more accomplished with her career and life goals. I want someone to sit with me and hold my hand and say, "She has an ugly nose. Her boobs are too small. She smells bad - even your H. said that! Her children will NEVER adore and love her - or even know her the way yours know and love you. She will never have a fulfilling relationship. She will never be truly happy. She will never feel "good enough" no matter what she accomplishes."
I guess maybe that's what this post is. Me holding my own hand and saying those things. It may not be as constructive as building myself up and putting her out of my mind, but it's what I need right now.
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