Retreat

I don't generally mark my entry as anything.  But this time I had to say 'inspiring'.  I was inspired by the whole weekend.  By Joan Anderson, who was so conscious of our feelings, by the moms - we are walking this path together, by the weather, by the labyrinth, by the building of a cairn for our children. 
Joan asked us to think of metaphors as we walked to beach.  To me it was a metaphor for life.  Life is uncertain; sometimes uncomfortable, always changing, but constant.  The sand underfoot moved as I walked.  The waves would lap over my toes one minute and the next one would be up to my knees.  I just smiled.  It rained and the wind blew.  The birds flew overhead - I know Lisa sent a flock of noisy birds to remind me that all was okay.  They circled overhead for a time and then were gone.  And that was okay.
I really didn't get  emotional until I placed Lisa's shell on the cairn.  I just couldn't hold it together - Lisa and all our children.  It is hard not to dwell on the what ifs, if onlys etc. I really can't describe what I was feeling at that time - so many emotions.  But the overwhelming impression I got was of loving care and understanding.  Despite all our differences, we were one. 
Tonight we had dinner with Lisa's husband and my beautiful granddaughter.  I dreaded it as Harvey has been quite the jackass over the years.  Cevyn was upset because we do not get along, so tonight I was on my best behaviour.  I think Lisa had a hand in keeping me sane.  At lunch I wept because the plates at the Chinese restaurant were the same Ivy pattern as Lisa's - she was with me.  After the cleansing at lunch, I could pull off an amiable supper.  Cevyn's stepmother 'had other plans' so did not come.  I think the other plans were to avoid me and I am glad.  She is a bit of a prima donna so we didn't have to talk about her.  Harvey could not help bragging about the renovations to the house.  I really am trying not to be bitter but sometimes I succeed better than others. Tonight I think I aced it!  Of course I cried on the way to the hotel but that is okay.  Cevyn seemed genuinely happy.
Tomorrow, I am going to the cemetery and then to meet Lisa's best friend - she is going to tour me around her 'nurse practitioner run' medical clinic and then we are going for dinner.  Nancy was devastated as she and Lisa planned the clinic.  Nancy was going to be the director (she is) and Lisa was going to be the office manager. 
On Friday morning we are meeting one of Lisa's friends in the morning, and in the evening, we are having dinner at Cevyn's girlfriend's house (Lydia grew up down the road from Cevyn).  On Saturday, we are hoping to have brunch with Lisa's other best friend before we head to Maine.  Lisa made some wonderful friends here - friends who loved her dearly and miss her every day. 
Enough for now.
Lisa:  I miss you so much.  Every turn I take here reminds me of you.  I love you forever.