RETIRED HUSBAND

This is so funny. I recieved this in an email, and had to post it. Feel free to re-post...

RETIRED HUSBAND









After I  retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her








trips to Target.








Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and








preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is








like most women - she loves to browse.








Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the








local Target:








 








Dear Mrs. Harris,








Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a








commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have








been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints








against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are








documented by our video surveillance cameras:








 








1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in








other people's carts when they weren't looking.








 








2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute








intervals.








 








3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading








to the women's restroom.








 








4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official








voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused








the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a








reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union








grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the








company money.








 








5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of








M&Ms on layaway.








 








6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted








area.








 








7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told








the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring








pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty








children obliged.








 








8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began








crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'








EMTs were called.








 








9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it








as a mirror while he picked his nose.








 








10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,








he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.








 








11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly








humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.








 








12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna








look' by using different sizes of funnels.








 








13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed








through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'








 








14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,








he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE








VOICES AGAIN!'








 








And last, but not least:








 








15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited








awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in








here.' One of the clerks passed out.








 








If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends, you will be








depriving them of some good humor.