Resurfacing
Well after a couple of bad weeks I seem to be coming right again. Phew! This is the shortest depression yet- but I won't speak too soon till I see how I am tomorrow.
Ivan is annoyed that I am up late, but I feel too buzzy to sleep.
Yay Yay yay.
Much appreciated hugs and messages from DS friends.
I think a lot of my depressions are fueled by not accepting myself as being good enough as I am. Hence all the grandiose plans which come crashing down on top of me. I want to show people I can do stuff as good as they do-travelling, event organising, being an author etc. and when I realise I can't I crumble.
Bugger anyone who rains on my parade. i am fine just the way I am.
Might consider doing the book still though. using personal messages or emails. We'll see....
Thanks world for giving me a break.
Ivan is annoyed that I am up late, but I feel too buzzy to sleep.
Yay Yay yay.
Much appreciated hugs and messages from DS friends.
I think a lot of my depressions are fueled by not accepting myself as being good enough as I am. Hence all the grandiose plans which come crashing down on top of me. I want to show people I can do stuff as good as they do-travelling, event organising, being an author etc. and when I realise I can't I crumble.
Bugger anyone who rains on my parade. i am fine just the way I am.
Might consider doing the book still though. using personal messages or emails. We'll see....
Thanks world for giving me a break.
Replies
So glad to see you back! I hope your upturn lasts thru today and for a long time to come. It seems like you switch from one mood state to another very quickly. I am the same way. Overnight I switch from \'stable\' to depressed, then from depressed to hypomanic.
You ARE fine just the way you are. If you are anything like me, depressions bring much self loathing. I look at my past and feel nothing but disgust & shame at all I have done. And I feel that any accomplishments were simply a matter of me tricking people into thinking that I had done anything good. Damn those depressions to hell!!
I have grandiose ideas during manias and hypomanias too. But unlike you I have stopped trying to analyze why. Since they are classic symptoms of mania & hypomania, I just attribute the grandiose thoughts to my agitated mood state.
After 17 years of bipolar, I have also stopped looking for patterns or causes of my depressions. I can only think of one instance in all those years when a depression was situational rather than random firings of chemicals in my brain.
Attributing symptoms of the disorder to random firings of chemicals in my brain helps me accept the disorder and my actions during mood states. It doesn\'t seem to work for many other people, so I guess telling you about my coping skills is just a way for me to babble on. lol
I\'m glad this was one of your shortest depressions yet. I hope Ivan was understanding and patient w/ you. and I hope that he doesn\'t continue to get irritated w/ you being up late. If you\'re anything like me, the first few nights out of depression are marked by a couple of nights w/ absolutely no sleep, until I go to the pdoc and get sleep meds. And even those don\'t always work.
Looking forward to messaging back and forth w/ you. It\'s not as fun as chatting, but it is something you can keep for your book.