restless rambles

I'm hurting pretty badly tonight. I hold it in, I hold my breath, I count to 100, I lose, I win, I escape, I fear, I think about everything else that exists besides my pain. I can't sleep. As soon as I start to fall asleep, my body jolts abruptly. I guess this is my body refusing to relax. Its raining. Rain causes more pain. I live and pay the price to live in "sunny san diego" for a reason. Perfection does not exist though. I wonder who came up with that word. All it is, is an expectation that everyone lives by when really, its completely and irresponsibly irrational. My mind is going 1000 miles a minute, my body is exhausted, and inbetween I find myself in the middle of a ramble. Pain jumbles my thoughts. I try to escape even thinking about it and with that attempt to escape, comes a mind that is restless. I'm tired. Might as well get some design work done and put my restless mind to good use right? Do something productive when you're in a bad position, you'll feel better about it tomorrow, at least eventually.... Good morning, good night.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

You are right. You might as well try and make something out of this restlessness. Worked for Van Gogh, right? Kidding. Just trying to make you laugh. Because I\'ve been there. I know EXACTLY the feeling you describe. And who knows what creative genius I would have shown if I had chosen to actually get out of bed and make it to the art room. But instead I just stayed there in bed and imagined it all. Because it seemed impossible. Maybe it was. Now I wish I had made the effort to get up, to distract myself, and at least have something to show for it in the end, instead of lost time that I\'ll never get back. It\'s almost like winning a point against this damn thing, isn\'t it? Score one for YOUR team next time Kenna. Hang in there, thinking of you, hoping for a good morning, good night - for real.
Kenna21
Kenna21

You\'re so nice. And you should never regret what you didn\'t do or what you shouldve done. The way I see it, you can\'t do anything about it now, but you can do it now. If you love it, you should do it no matter what. There should be a passion in your life. Even with this pain, I fully absorb the good things and what I love in order to keep me sane. There\'s nothing more fulfilling than feeling like you created something meaningful, regardless if its only for yourself. So do it. There\'s art therapy for a reason. I love that you love art, since I go to art school and all. I appreciate all your encouragement! I\'m going to make today a good one regardless of anything because I\'m alive!
deleted_user
deleted_user

There you go, a good way to look at things. Read Blisterbabes thoughts for the day, very inspiring and positive. You are right, the good things keep us sane. We need them! I hope today is a better day. Keep looking forward, right?
(Oh how I wish I went to art school!! If I could go back in time...)
Kenna21
Kenna21

Keep looking forward but also looking at what\'s infront of us right now. Even if I\'m angry with the pain, I absorb every ounce of good that I do have within reach because its what I need to hold on to. I had a good class tonight. And feeling good and confident about the progress of one of my designs, especially the excitement I see on my teachers face as he anticipates the final result, makes the fight worth it. This is what I hold onto. And I do the same for everything else. Satisfaction of accomplishing something, anything! I try to give myself credit for every little thing I do because in reality, I could not do any of it and the people I have in my life would understand. But that\'s not enough for me, I want accomplishment, success, and to be inspired as well as be inspiration. I want more than what less than zero has to offer.