Response to a DS discusion.
Hello ALL, I read a discussion on the Divorce after 20 group site. And wanted to respond, but did not feel my response was appropriate for the discussion so I decided to log it as a journal.
TO MisTerey in the discussion “HI” – You said what I feel is “the nail on the head” about many men and relationships (mostly):
“I believe that they don't just drop us, or forget us. I think that they are the ones that have made up their minds and stick to it. This is something my therapist has told me, that for MOST men, not all, that when they decide, and usually after a lot of thought that we don't see, they are done. This is because men do not talk about emotional issues with other men, and that they certainly are not going to talk about with the person they usually do.. their wife. Men are not less emotional, they are less verbal about their emotions, and if they do not see how they can solve a problem, or they feel that it is unsolvable and no hope that they will be happy, because you are not going to change .. they want to end it. OF course if there is another woman, that does add to it.”
I have done everything I could think to be the husband/ person I am. My wife, years ago, did not want to even meet me a portion of the way in the relationship of man and wife. And even though I kept my head in the sand and thought that if I kept trying she would see it and change. Her way of thinking was that if I wanted or needed change it was for me to do. And there is more to companionship and intimacy than me working to pay the bills and not question what she is doing and don’t try to do what I do near her. I am still trying but if she will not start counseling with me soon (I go but she does not see the benefit of going to a counselor who will tell her she may need to change a few of her ways), my mind will be made up. And then there will be no tuning back. It is my wife’s decision if there will be another woman in my future.
TO MisTerey in the discussion “HI” – You said what I feel is “the nail on the head” about many men and relationships (mostly):
“I believe that they don't just drop us, or forget us. I think that they are the ones that have made up their minds and stick to it. This is something my therapist has told me, that for MOST men, not all, that when they decide, and usually after a lot of thought that we don't see, they are done. This is because men do not talk about emotional issues with other men, and that they certainly are not going to talk about with the person they usually do.. their wife. Men are not less emotional, they are less verbal about their emotions, and if they do not see how they can solve a problem, or they feel that it is unsolvable and no hope that they will be happy, because you are not going to change .. they want to end it. OF course if there is another woman, that does add to it.”
I have done everything I could think to be the husband/ person I am. My wife, years ago, did not want to even meet me a portion of the way in the relationship of man and wife. And even though I kept my head in the sand and thought that if I kept trying she would see it and change. Her way of thinking was that if I wanted or needed change it was for me to do. And there is more to companionship and intimacy than me working to pay the bills and not question what she is doing and don’t try to do what I do near her. I am still trying but if she will not start counseling with me soon (I go but she does not see the benefit of going to a counselor who will tell her she may need to change a few of her ways), my mind will be made up. And then there will be no tuning back. It is my wife’s decision if there will be another woman in my future.
Replies
Wt, I believe your are an exception to what Ms. T was saying. You have logged on here and shared your pain and struggles within your marriage. That\'s remarkable. It gives us with the non-communicative H, some insight. I feel, as I know others here do also, that you have truly tried and expressed yourself to your W. Your going to a counselor and encouraged your W to go also. Commendable. I feel your are doing all you can. Don\'t take any offense with generalized comments directed at men. The majority are us women, that\'s all.
I hope the best for us all in 2011!!!!!
Most of us in that forum are women. So it is from our point of view. I think you know you and a few other men on here are the exception to what most of the women on here see.
You are willing to put in the work and communicate. A lot of us never got that the minute the marriage license was signed. I too commend you for that.
Be secure in the knowledge that you know you are different from most men who don\'t communicate. That you are not one to walk away.
Thank You both for your comments, And part of the discription is true: I have been very stuborn and have yet to give up on my marriage, but I feel that if there is not return of commitment I will soon say enough! And then there will be no looking back. And you Women out there please remember many of us good men are out there, dont treat us like the regular guys, we dont deserve it anymore than you have from the J@&k$ you have been near. Thank You again for your understanding. Hope everyones weekend is a blessed.