Resentful and Venting
Hit an emotional wall this a.m. driving back from my therapist's office. I haven't been to counseling in years, but my nurse practioner seemed to think it would be a good idea. The session really dredged up how angry I am at this disease. It also made me realize that I do have choices --- even though none of them can be made without compromising somewhere else. Anyway, started to cry on the way home. That's probably good. I haven't cried in quite a while. Now I am just a bit depressed, and the overcast skies and windy, cooler weather aren't helping my mood. Part of my depression is that my gastropic biopsy revealed I have Celiac Disease. Not really a big deal, but now I have to eliminate all wheat and gluten products from my diet. Also, some people are now hounding me about going vegan too. I don't think I can do gluten-free and vegan both; it would leave me very little to eat. I realize the gluten-free is a must-do, but I don't think I'm quite ready to give up fish, fat-free yogurt, egg whites and cheese. My thought is this: If a totally vegan diet cured cancer, no one would have cancer. Or need chemo. Before my diagnosis, I ate very little red meat. Maybe 5 times a year. Mostly whole grains (now verboten), fruits, salads, white meat chicken and turkey, eggs, cheese and fish. Fat free dairy only. And of course, sugary treats. (I am a sugar addict, I'll admit it.) I know many, many people who have lived healthy livesto a ripe old age eating the meat/starch/vegetable dinner every night of their lives. I don't drink and I don't smoke. I excercise regularly, though not as much as I should. And yes, stress is a factor, but who doesn't have stress? Did I bring this on myself? I don't really think so. Maybe. Who knows? I'm just tired and putting one foot in front of the other right now to get through chemo and related symptoms. I'm praying for a clear CT scan in January, while trying to keep my focus on today.