Repression and OCD repetition

I don't know what is going on right now.  I started "remebering" things from when I was a kid of a babysitter (female) and something that happened.  I don't know if it is real.  Honestly, repressed memories don't make sense to me (for me).  It started with a smell of perfume in the middle of the night, then came some visual, then came words that were said.  Like I said, I think I am making it up--it's ridiculous, absurd, and completely fucking crazy! (especially because I wanted something to be wrong in my past to justify my ED, SI, depression, anxiety, etc).
But no matter if it is true or not, my OCD apparently believes it is funny to keep playing the thoughts in my mind over and over and over.  It makes me sick.  I close my eyes, hide in a corner, cry, rock back and forth, and convulse and hit myself like I am someone with autism.  It's so sick and disgusting.  Absolutely perverted.  I can feel things as if they were almost real.  It's so sickening.  I hate it.  I wish  I could kill it.  I hate it.  I hate sexual obsession shit.  So dirty.  So unclean. 
Why is my mind making this horrible thing up?  It isn't right.