Repetive and Redundant
Like most people in the world, I have a difficult past. My extended family dumped my immediate after years of abuse and scapegoating. Although I'm a freshman in college now, I went through hell with cliquey girls and bullying in high school. Those feelings of inadequacy and toleration are now being repeated in college with my roommates and girls in my building. Not quite to the extreme of high school, but difficult nonetheless.
I've grown up enough to understand that these situations of conflict are not solely my own fault. There are varying levels of maturity and immaturity in people that add to misunderstandings and tension. But how am I supposed to carry on with these lingering feelings of my own limited self-worth? It's hard to always feel so unwanted.
Disposable. That's what I've felt for so long...
I've always been an advocate for those feeling...less than they really are. I truly believe people should love themselves despite all the negative thoughts they carry towards themselves. No one is better than another. All people are beautiful.
But how hypocritical am I to believe these values don't apply to myself?? I have this idea that I'm an exception to the rule. I am filled with some sort of tainted substance, poisoning my body till I am absolutely nothing but a sorry excuse for a human being. Why else would people be so willing to trash their relationship with me? ...right?
Ugh...I'm just so sick of putting energy and effort into friendships that aren't being reciprocated. I'm so sick of not meeting an invisible standard and not being good enough. It's exhausting...I'm exhausted.
I've grown up enough to understand that these situations of conflict are not solely my own fault. There are varying levels of maturity and immaturity in people that add to misunderstandings and tension. But how am I supposed to carry on with these lingering feelings of my own limited self-worth? It's hard to always feel so unwanted.
Disposable. That's what I've felt for so long...
I've always been an advocate for those feeling...less than they really are. I truly believe people should love themselves despite all the negative thoughts they carry towards themselves. No one is better than another. All people are beautiful.
But how hypocritical am I to believe these values don't apply to myself?? I have this idea that I'm an exception to the rule. I am filled with some sort of tainted substance, poisoning my body till I am absolutely nothing but a sorry excuse for a human being. Why else would people be so willing to trash their relationship with me? ...right?
Ugh...I'm just so sick of putting energy and effort into friendships that aren't being reciprocated. I'm so sick of not meeting an invisible standard and not being good enough. It's exhausting...I'm exhausted.
Replies
This sounds like how I feel most of the time. How you try to stay positive for others but sometimes don\'t feel the way you are trying to make them feel. I will be your friend :) You\'re profile and words, and pictures are very positive. You have a heart beat ad deep and pure as the sea!