reminders
Posted this on the forum when I was onnly 3 weeks GF. Need to put it here so I can refer back quickly whenever I feel urges, to remind myself of the hell I was living in.
I'm just starting to realize how this gambling sickness pervaded every aspect of my life. When I first came here, I was obsessed with the financial destruction I had wrought. Filled with regret, shame, guilt, scared, you name it. Now, after just a few weeks, I see how much of my mind,my life, was consumed with gambling. Even though I spent only one morning a week at the casino, I was thinking about it almost all the time. Friday morning I would head to the casino with $200. Just a little bit of money, right? I could budget that in, right? Be up, then down, then hit the ATM for another 4-6 hundred dollars. After the binge I would be obsessed with how to juggle the bank account so checks wouldn't bounce. Friday night I would feel sick to my stomach, panicky, the whole feeling like a piece of sh*t experience. All weekend I would be worried about Monday's account balance. I would feel guilty because I had lied about where I was on Friday morning. I couldn't look my husband or children in the eyes because they were the blissfully unaware victims of my sickness. I would promise myself I wouldn't do this ever again. Monday I would watch my email continuously to see if my bank had sent me an insufficient funds alert. I would call and cancel automatic drafts. I would lie and say my paycheck would not be deposited for one reason or another. I would call friends and ask for a short term loan. Tuesday I would relax, because I had successfully pushed everything back another week. Tuesday was my only "real" day, but it wasn't REALLY real. It was as much a facade as the other days, I just wasn't worried about the money as much, Wednesday I would start my magical thinking. I can go to the casino with $200 on Friday morning, parlay it into $600, and mitigate the previous losses a little bit. Thursday I would be thinking about the casino all day. Setting my clothes aside for my Friday morning excursion. Feeling this sick sense of anticipation. Eager for the day to end so Friday could arrive. Then Friday morning....$200....$600...$800...sick. So I allowed this sickness to grow, impacting me every day. I lied every day. I was anxious every day. I'm done.
I'm just starting to realize how this gambling sickness pervaded every aspect of my life. When I first came here, I was obsessed with the financial destruction I had wrought. Filled with regret, shame, guilt, scared, you name it. Now, after just a few weeks, I see how much of my mind,my life, was consumed with gambling. Even though I spent only one morning a week at the casino, I was thinking about it almost all the time. Friday morning I would head to the casino with $200. Just a little bit of money, right? I could budget that in, right? Be up, then down, then hit the ATM for another 4-6 hundred dollars. After the binge I would be obsessed with how to juggle the bank account so checks wouldn't bounce. Friday night I would feel sick to my stomach, panicky, the whole feeling like a piece of sh*t experience. All weekend I would be worried about Monday's account balance. I would feel guilty because I had lied about where I was on Friday morning. I couldn't look my husband or children in the eyes because they were the blissfully unaware victims of my sickness. I would promise myself I wouldn't do this ever again. Monday I would watch my email continuously to see if my bank had sent me an insufficient funds alert. I would call and cancel automatic drafts. I would lie and say my paycheck would not be deposited for one reason or another. I would call friends and ask for a short term loan. Tuesday I would relax, because I had successfully pushed everything back another week. Tuesday was my only "real" day, but it wasn't REALLY real. It was as much a facade as the other days, I just wasn't worried about the money as much, Wednesday I would start my magical thinking. I can go to the casino with $200 on Friday morning, parlay it into $600, and mitigate the previous losses a little bit. Thursday I would be thinking about the casino all day. Setting my clothes aside for my Friday morning excursion. Feeling this sick sense of anticipation. Eager for the day to end so Friday could arrive. Then Friday morning....$200....$600...$800...sick. So I allowed this sickness to grow, impacting me every day. I lied every day. I was anxious every day. I'm done.
Replies
Great post Shelly. I think introspection and reflection of the past is essential to our staying clean. I became afraid of myself and got really scared of what I might really do. We are all capeable of doing anything if driven far enough. I had lost control and was so fearful of what I might do with no intent of harming anyone but unable to stop myself I became scared straight. I could be in jail or worse. I think about my past every day. I also have living in my house a drunk drug using son who is so far out of control I am going to have to leave. Probably back to Las Vegas. I own two homes up here free and clear but my son cannot pay the bills and taxes. Real problem. But he is no different than I was. I do not want to lose these houses. So, my present is my past. Sorry about KU. I wrote an addition to my journal last night but it deleted at the last minute. Will continue my story shortly. I think you will find it interesting. Jon